Power of the tongue in a relationship

This week, I want us to talk about something many of us could be guilty but not aware of - invalidation in relationships. When you invalidate your partner, you reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish their feelings. Consequently, they react by withdrawal, low self-esteem and may result in your relationship becoming victim and villain act.

Individuals in relationships that have a ‘high invalidation index’ do not feel loved. Consistent invalidations make the relationship toxic, and if not addressed, the relationship may break.

Roots of invalidation

Invalidation may be rooted in childhood, where you may have grown in a home where you are not allowed to speak your mind. Invalidation can also happen as a result of pressure or fatigue where your reaction to your spouse’s feelings is spontaneous and not intentional.

Manifesting invalidations

In a game ‘Assassinate Your Spouse’ someone is to tease the partner until he or she breaks down in tears. This kind of game produces only losers and no winners. When you tell your spouse to shut up about what she really feels about a situation, you place a lid on her emotional expression. This can be a recipe for emotional imbalance, stress and can trigger unhealthy venting such as rage or suicide thoughts on the victim.

Hurting words

Invalidations happen through hurting words especially shouting at or criticism levelled at your spouse in public.

Violent actions

Any form of aggression, domestic violence and abuse perpetuate invalidation. Violent actions such as slamming the door, ordering him/her to get out of presence, throwing things at him/her as well as silent treatment are also forms of invalidations.

Emotional wimp

You enforce invalidation when you consider your spouse an emotional wimp, or perceive her as hyper-sensitive. If he/she says I am upset by this or that, affirm the concern.

Criticising his/her physique

Especially in public, avoid comments like, “You are eating too much. No wonder your waistline is diminishing.” Most women are sensitive to comments regarding their weight, aging and so forth. Some men may not appreciate comments about the pot belly. Though a good sense of humour is healthy for the relationship, there is a thin line between wanting to create a light moment, and leaving your partner embarrassed.

Walking the validation path

Invalidation can be annulled by saying positive things about your partner and never allowing anything to change your perceived value of her. Demeaning words can wound the spirit,while encouraging words can heal and restore the relationship.

Give a hug

If your spouse has an emotional need and you do not know what to do or say, just give a hug. It speaks concern more than a thousand words. Secondly, deal with your own vulnerability and the ‘don’t cry’ syndrome. Do not be embarrassed to wipe tears off her face. If he tells you he was fired and breaks down, do not tell him that ‘he should take it like a man’

Listen empathetically

Third, work at communication skills, read good books, seek counselling and attend seminars to build your capacity. And for men, when she is talking, do not bury your face in a newspaper, switch off the TV and so forth. This communicates validation.

Climate of honour

Fourth, change happens when you stop bad habits and start new habits. This only happens in a climate of honour where your thoughts, feelings and contribution are appreciated.

The writer is an author, marriage and relationships counsellor. You can reach her on e-mail: [email protected] or find her on Facebook as Sheila A. Wachira

Photos: thestir.cafemom.com