I have been married for about five years now and my husband is a police officer working far away from where I stay. I am somewhat concerned because my husband has never allowed me to go to his places of work. Whenever I insist on visiting him, he says he has been or is in the process of being transferred to another station. He provides well for us and comes home at least once or twice a month but I don’t know why he will not let us visit him even during school holidays. Sometimes I think he is ashamed of us or he does not want his colleagues to know his people. Please help me understand what could be going on.
What the readers say:
Silvia, your husband may have several reasons for avoiding your visit. He could be sharing rooms with other police officers or the living standards may not be the best so he does not want to put you through this. The other possibility is that he could be having a secret lover or wife up there. Get him to understand the reasons why you want to know his workplace and tell him it hurts you not to know where and how he manages his domestic affairs in your absence.
I would want to know if he was already a police officer when you started your marriage or you met him in service. You must insist on the visit and, if he is still adamant, find the place yourself. He must have told you a location – take a risk and just show up there someday on a surprise visit. He could be hiding big things from you and you will never know – perhaps you are not even his first wife. The earlier things are clear to you, the better before it is too late. Do things the right way before you find yourself lonely in the cold.
Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo
It’s possible he just wants to keep his family affairs as confidential as possible. Most men prefer it that way. Secondly, some government living quarters are not honorable enough for family so many men don’t invite their wives and families over. It may also be possible that some work assignments are better carried out away from family. Don’t press him so much, he loves and cares for you. Just go with whatever doesn’t irritate him and he will open up at the right time.
I can imagine the anxiety and a thousand and one questions that could be going through your mind. But what would make a man not want his family to visit him at his workplace?
There are good and not so good reasons. Let us start with the good ones; he most probably does not have favourable accommodation. We have all seen the deplorable conditions some of our policemen live in. If it is bad enough for him alone you can imagine how frustrating it would be for him to subject his family to those conditions.
Secondly, it could be about safety. You don’t know his work station but we are aware of how some parts of this nation can be volatile and insecure. Therefore any right thinking man will do all they can to keep his family safe. Sometimes, it may not be the location but rather a case he is following up that could be putting him at risk. All the same, he should communicate this to you.
On the other hand, it is also possible that he is up to some mischief. With his family out of the picture, it is likely that he is living a double life. Suggest to visit without the children for one or two days. If indeed the conditions are bad, be ready to spend money by getting a hotel room. By all means, get to know where he works not because you are spying on him but as a show of concern, which is for his own good. You could also involve his family members, for example, his elder brother or sister.
Until you confirm otherwise, discuss this with him from a point of concern.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology
There are quite a number of reasons why a man who is working away from home may avoid a visit by his wife and children. Some of these may be genuine while others may not. Some of the genuine reasons may include the fact that perhaps he is indeed always in the process of a transfer at the time that you want to go and visit him (it happens a lot in then disciplined forces) or it could be that he may not have adequate accommodation to host you and the children. These are some of the genuine reasons that may be leading him to avoid your visit at all costs.
Some of the other reasons that could be facilitating this reluctance and seemingly cagey behavior when it comes to this issue of visitation and these would primarily revolve around the possibility that he may be having another family or lover where he is working and staying. This could be the reason he conveniently comes up with a reason that bars you from visiting him. Either way, the bare truth is that 5 years is indeed a long time for you not to know where your husband works and this needs to be addressed at the earliest possible opportunity.
It is essential to know where your husband works, who he works with as well as where he stays and with whom. This is because sometimes things happen that may be subject to investigations, he may fall sick and those around him need to contact a relative and this is where it becomes important for colleagues to know a few things about family. I maintain that it is essential for you to either know where he works and be introduced as his wife as this may come in handy at some point. You could make it clear that you are not interested in spying on him and help him understand that you are just genuinely interested in knowing more about his workplace. Perhaps you could try and go there first without the children then you could bring them along later since there may not be adequate facilities to host everyone.
Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor