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Having moved on from Barcelona, I was 3,500km north east at the Zenit Arena stadium in Saint Petersburg, Russia, this past Tuesday, getting heartbroken as Argentina scored late to knock Nigeria out of the World Cup.
As we men consoled each other later at the Althaeus Ale house (over giant mugs of Black Russian Baltika), I recalled a PDF of this page sent to me last week, where one Wanga called Beryl was asking: ‘In whose arms are they spending the 90 plus minutes?’ in regards to the World Cup.
That question is football blasphemy, because in those 90 plus minutes, nothing else but the football counts!
But for the sake of my upstairs neighbour, and others like her clearly clueless about the soccer goings’ on ongoing in Russia, here are eleven things to know as we enter the knockout stages of the 2018 World Cup today – hopefully with France knocking out the bloody Argentines.
One – While I’ve spotted a number of Nigerian fans, (no Tunisian or Moroccan fans), and one Senegalese fan in my time here, the Egyptians came in hordes from Cairo to fanatically support both their country, and hero, Mo Salah! Sadly, Egypt exited the tournament with zero points, leaving a lot of moping pharaohs on these historic city streets of Petersburg.
Two – Many women seem to think the Iranian squad had the ‘best looking’ footballers; yet the stereotype of the typical Iranian man is of a long bearded fellow with a weather-beaten face, like some hardened panel-beaten ‘ayatollahs’ of soccer.
Three – Talking of ‘looks,’ one Neymar Jr, considered the ‘cutest’ soccer star, has been the biggest crybaby of the tournament. I was at a FIFA fan base the other week as Brazil played Costa Rica, and Neymar threw tantrums, then bawled like a baby (after they won unfairly, last minute).
Four – Lionel Messi may be the greatest living club footballer in the world, but when it comes to national and international tournaments, Cristiano Ronaldo is better. This snippet will come in handy when men are debating who between Messi and Ronaldo is the best, earning you marks with The Boys.
Five – The best game so far in the World Cup, for any African, must be the one where Nigeria beat Iceland two/nil, with glorious goals from Ahmed Musa. And Iceland missed a late penalty.
Six – The two best strikers so far are Eden Hazard and Romelu Lukaku, both of Belgium.
Seven – The best joke from the World Cup this year comes from last Saturday’s Senegal versus Japan match, where a chap called Honda scored to level the game for Japan. The joke goes like so: Japan left Honda to do all the work, yet Honda is weak! Where was Suzuki, Subaru, Mazda, Daihatsu, Mitsubishi and Isuzu to help Honda? Kwanza if their international Toyota angecheza, Senegal kwisha!!
Eight – Russia has been great, but went down three zero to Uruguay, Monday. Uruguay is the team to HATE as an African, because of what Luiz Suarez did to Ghana in SA 2010 World Cup. Who is Suarez? What did he do? That is why we have Google, YouTube and Wikipedia, woman.
Nine – The Nigeria versus Argentina game showed one thing to the world. That 1986 World Cup legend, Diego Maradona, is still on drugs! During the 90 minutes of that game, we saw the entire cocaine cycle in action – from dancing with a Naija woman on the stands, him being Count Dracula, falling asleep before half time, waking up, cussing, flipping the bird at oga fans, before being rushed to hospital after the game. Pardon my newly acquired Spanish, but – vete a la mierda, Maradona.
Ten – If Colombia beat Senegal this past Thursday (I’m writing this Wednesday), then Africa’s last hope in the World Cup is gone – and you may as well switch channels to ‘Mshamba.’
Eleven – That’s just a joke. You never ever change the channels during a World Cup game! Not if you want to watch ‘Dolce Amore,’ or kids are asking for ‘Doc McStuffins’ and ‘Diego’. They will catch up with that stuff after the finals in mid July. What if there is breaking news on another channel that the government is being overthrown? Rule Eleven says you wait until the final whistle has been blown to wrap up Brazil vs Mexico.
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