Confessions: When your boyfriend flashes the married card

I met this man in college, he was studying theology in a Lutheran institution. He is 40 from South Sudan and I am 23 and we have been in a relationship for a while now. To me, he is the man I always dreamed of as he is mature, loving, caring and kind to me.

He recently disclosed that he is married and has two children – which he had never told me before – but he is still interested in pursuing the relationship. I have never thought of becoming a second wife and I doubt if my parents will allow for this to happen.

The problem is that I am so much in love with him, I cannot imagine a life without him. Please advise me on what I should do?

{Akinyi}

What the readers say:

Akinyi, I will for now applaud your friend for being sincere – unlike other men who wouldn’t dare disclose that part of their life to women they are interested in. Although it is painful to realise you are sharing a man with another woman, accept the situation and move on. Accommodate her in your feelings. Leaving him and finding a life of your own is the best move for you to make now.

{Jeff chepkwony}

At 23, you have not had any experience with relationships. If all this time you did not know he was married, how much more is there that you do not know about him? You may not even know their culture in relation to what you want to get into. Be careful not to get into things you are not clear about, you may regret it later in life.

{Tasma Saka}

You are young, end that relationship and look for a man of your age. How would you feel if another woman was working to break your legal marriage? Respect his home, if you want yours to be respected as well.

{Onyango Outha}

Akinyi, you have expressed your desires. The truth is he is married and has a family. Facts here are that the only position available for you in his life is being his second option; period. The issue of your parents does not apply.

As I bring down the curtain on you about this man, know that your life is at stake and the decisions you make today will affect your future. Stop thinking about your parents or about anyone else and think only about yourself. It is your life at stake here.

{Ouma Ragumo}

 Simon says:

Akinyi, this is a situation in which you are trying to get a monkey to do a bird’s job. Unfortunately, you were misled into this predicament so to a large extent it is not your fault. However, as a lesson learned and when it comes to relationships it is always important to look at the facts and make your own judgement because people are not always what and who they say they are rather they give out information that is convenient for the moment. This is what he did and why he is revealing only now that he is married when he has had his fair share of goodies and is now seeking to end the relationship. This is what he is up to and by telling you that he is interested in pursuing the relationship, he is lying through his teeth.

That said, I began by informing you that you are trying to get a monkey to do a bird's job. Being a student of theology in a Lutheran institution, you would know that polygamy is as far removed from his mind as East is from West. This is why he is seeking to end the relationship now that he realised you are hooked on to him by bringing out critical information that he is married, you may only be a second wife and he would have to take you with him to South Sudan where they are very cruel to 2nd wives and Kenyans e.t.c. You should know that it is almost impossible to find a single man who is 40 – something would have to be essentially very wrong with him. This means, you ought to have known that he was only having you for the moment and like all men would eventually return to his 1st wife and leave you stranded.

At 23, you are very young and it is too early for you to even begin considering marriage let alone marriage as a second wife. Give yourself a chance to explore life’s options and possibilities. You will meet new people, make friendships, get in and out of relationships, learn how to deal with different people and generally just find your path in this life. You will find a mate and a partner and most probably within your ideal age bracket which is 5 – 10 years older. 17 year your senior is really off the mark and you should not even sweat about this break up. The writing is on the wall for you, he wants out but be is leading you to be the one to want out so just take the deep plunge and welcome to the world.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

Why do you think he is revealing such crucial information now? And not much earlier in the relationship? This is a warning sign to you.

I can think of two possible reasons for this.  His intentions could have been to win you over and have you create an  attachment  that will make it difficult for you to leave him. He seems to have succeeded in that. That is why you are in this dilemma.

The second possible reason could be that this was just a fling for him. He was having nothing more than a good time.  He probably is about to clear his training and return to his family. And he is almost sure that you would not agree to become a second wife. So this could as well be his subtle way of breaking up with you.

You already have your reservations about being a second wife. It may be legal but polygamy has it's unique challenges. If in your heart this is not your an option, then it is not.

Your age difference too could be a potential area of conflict. Well, we understand that maturity is an attractive trait in men. The truth is, there are mature men too who are in their 20s and 30s. On the contrast It is immature of anyone to keep information about his family confidential yet is keen to develop another relationship. Has it occurred to you that you may not have been mentioned to his wife? Ruling out his commitment to marrying you.

The wrong signals and the heaviness in your heart is enough for you to slow down and rethink your next move.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of life and relationships.