How to mourn the loss of a baby through a miscarriage

It is every woman’s dream to become a mother either for the first time or again. Whether it is a loss through a miscarriage, still birth, elective termination or whatever the case, it is one of the most painful experiences. The despair and grief cannot be described with some mums falling deep into postpartum distress.

With time, the pain may get better but it is equally important to deal with the different stages of grief when you lose a loved one.

Here are ways to mourn after losing the baby through miscarriage.  

Pregnancy loss or complications can happen to anyone so don’t be too hard on yourself. Talk openly and honestly with your partner about what happened and how it's affecting you. Remember there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Accept your feelings as they are and don't judge yourself or your partner for how you respond. Grief at your own pace and honor your feelings.

Take a break and deal with the matter at hand. Don't pressure yourself to get past the sadness quickly. Your healing will be complete if you deal with your grief as it comes.

This is not the time to distract yourself with work, school or other responsibilities you have. You will not give your best. Even if you feel physically fine, taking some time away from work may be helpful. You need to process what happened as you slowly accept what you're going through.

If your partner doesn't seem to be affected by the loss as deeply as you are, understand that everyone grieves differently. While women tend to express their feelings and look for support from others, men tend to hold their feelings inside and deal with loss on their own. Men often feel they need to remain strong and this doesn’t mean he doesn’t care or feel pain. You also need to remember that they tend to have less of an emotional attachment to the pregnancy in the early months so they may feel less pained and grief-stricken by the miscarriage.

Although it’s painful to talk about it, sharing your story allows you to feel less alone and helps you heal. You may be surprised by how many of your relatives, colleagues and even friends have their own stories of loss and healing. For those who haven’t gone through it, do not take it personally when they sympathize and empathize with you.

This is one of the most effective way to deal with loss. The stages of grief move from denial, anger, bargaining, depression then acceptance. Once you go through this and accept yourself, it will help you to heal and start over.

If you feel that it is not enough to talk to friends and family, it is best to seek the guidance of a counselor, and you don’t have to face this alone. Go for counselling together with your partner. You can also join a support group and hearing other people’s experiences will help you deal with your emotions.

Even though you didn’t get the chance to see and meet your baby it doesn’t mean you have to forget them when you’re healing. Due to the expectations and excitement you had of holding your baby you can find comfort by planting a tree for remembrance or donating to a charity. 

It is common for people to say things like ‘you can always try again’ without fully understanding your pain. This may come off as insensitive remarks but they do not intend to offend you. They simply don’t understand the full gravity of your loss.