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I slept with a married man

Between The Sheets

I have been having some pains and went for some tests about two weeks ago. When the results were out, the doctor said that I had Chlamydia which she said was a deadly STI and was at an advanced stage. My only sexual partner for about a year and half is married and has one child.

I don't know where this could have come from but I am wondering how to tell him so he could get tested as well as have his wife tested. I was told this can have severe implications which include pelvic infection and infertility. I hope I can save her from such adverse effects. I want to help but I am afraid he will think I am the one who infected him and put his wife at risk. What do I do? I need your advice... {Lilly}

Start practising safe sex, that’s the only solution. You will then need to show him the medical report and ask him to seek treatment for him and his wife. Lastly, you need to be tested and counselled on HIV and Aids.  Finally, stop interfering in someone else’s marriage. How would you feel if this was you?

{Onyango Outha}

This is a difficult predicament but it has to be approached even if through a friend. No one is to blame for the cause of the disease as is yet to be ascertained. The disease is sexually transmitted and there is high chance that he is infected and therefore the wife is also a victim of circumstance. You should, therefore, move with speed to save both if you really love him. Prevention is better than cure.

{Ojou Robert}

Be honest with him and let him know. It is better he gets annoyed but save the impending tragedy. Time is over for blame game. However, you also need to be careful dating other people’s husbands and engaging in unprotected sex.

{Tasma Charles}

Lilly, you can’t afford to waste any more time. Tell  this man regardless of what he is going to think so that you can also safeguard his health. Do the right thing – whatever it takes - and I am sure if he is a good man, he will act responsibly.

{Zachy Jarapogi}

Lilly, honesty is the best value you can adopt to guide you through life. This means either  saving his wife or leaving her to suffer. Discuss the results you got with him and request him to have his wife tested. Make him understand that you care about him and that is why you have taken the bold step to share with him. After all, the truth will set you free.

{Calvin Queens}

He has to know. It is a matter of life or death. For the sake of your health, the three of you must seek proper and timely medication.  {Ouma Ragumo}\

Counsellor's take

There is only so much you can do in that situation. The STI is there with you and most likely, he is also infected. By extension, he may also have infected his wife as well as any other sexual partners he may be having unprotected sex with. You can only manage that situation from your end only and leave the rest to him. However, you owe him a disclosure. This is because men can live with STIs for long periods of time with no symptoms whatsoever. In such times, they remain active and are likely to infect as well as re-infect their sexual partners with the same.

It is these two things you ought to safeguard yourself against for your own good. One, re-infection is often very difficult and more expensive to manage since you are likely to develop resistance to the antibiotics and other drugs prescribed. Again, contracting the deadly HIV virus is even more dangerous. Since he remains potent, and he could be infected, you should only engage in protected intercourse with him to reduce the risk of also getting infected. However, you are warned that Chlamydia can also be spread through oral sex so it remains to be a delicate situation for you.

Nonetheless, you need to disclose your situation to him and encourage him to seek treatment. In actual fact, don't involve yourself again until he gets that situation sorted – this works all the time. Further, encourage him to disclose to his wife about this situation in his own way and to get her tested as well. If he seeks treatment but leaves her behind then this will only get both of you re-infected. This should not be acceptable at any cost.

However, you may need to understand that it is a difficult task talking to your wife about STIs because it always indicates to the fact that you have not been faithful. On the other hand the long term effects of Chlamydia are extremely severe and could as well compromise on her fertility and ability to bear children.

In such instances, the lesser evil is to come clean and manage it while it is still mild than to wait and manage the other severe symptoms. This may take time so it may require some patience on your side. The urgency of seeking treatment on his part and for his wife as well as all other sexual partners should be emphasised and re-emphasised. Lastly, encourage him to remain faithful to at least the both of you to avoid this. {Taurus}

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