Still waiting for your ‘Prince Charming?’ Nothing wrong with that, but you better be sure to kiss the right ‘frogs’ before you get that man who is after your very own heart. Here’s a list of some of the men you might have to wade through:
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The broke guy
This is often a college student or tarmacking man who has nothing but love to offer. He subscribes to daily SMS and internet bundles that he uses to bet, comment on anything and everything on social media and text you all day long.
Owing to their broke nature, they are insecure and jittery and go out of their way to keep tabs on who you are talking to and what time you were last seen online. Such men will invite you over to their one-roomed houses, for which they are three months behind in rent, and expect you to act all wifey - cook and clean - because they are not only broke, but also lazy.
They will tell you how they are going to make it and since they have a lot of energy for doing nothing, they make love like mules.
The broke guy is delusional and bitter, common symptoms associated with fellows who have not got their acts together and will refer to women above their league as ‘whores’ or gold-diggers. By the way, have you ever noticed how those with no gold to be dug are the ones who always label women as gold-diggers? The real ‘gold mines’ never complain.
This is a guy who will have ladies swooning over his chiselled jawline. His smile gives you giddy goose bumps and the thought of the two of you together gets you singing Marvin Gay’s Sexual Healing involuntarily. He is a smooth operator who will gobble you up, including your best friend and sister, leading to a love-deranged catfight. He knows the right buttons to press to get a woman drooling with lust. And when it comes to the deed, this Casanova will have any woman begging for more.
The problem with this guy though ni kujiskia; there is nothing as disastrous as a dude who is fine and knows it. He would intentionally ignore your calls and messages, chat up other women in your presence and when you confront him, he’ll tell you how jealous and annoying you are. He posts his shirtless pictures on Instagram and Facebook that receive a lot of raunchy comments from women. He has more aunts and female cousins than Obama saved on his phone. The guy never answers his phone in your presence and has no ‘last seen’ log on his WhatsApp.
My advice to women is simple. If your man fits the above description, run!
The bad boy
He was probably brought up in a middle-class or affluent family. He went to the best schools, but is still a dunderhead whose biggest inspiration in life is meeting Lil Wayne or Future the rapper. He has a funny accent acquired from a short stint overseas to visit a relative, if not a faked one acquired from listening to too much hip-hop.
This guy still lives in his parents’ house or their servants’ quarters, and his mama calls him ‘daddy’ or ‘boy.’ He parties every weekend, thanks to the pocket money his rich parents give him. He is twenty-something and jobless, has miserably failed in campus and is as petty as a bitchy diva.
He has body piercings, tattoos and his wardrobe is full of sneakers and baggy jeans that he sags. He screws everything and anything and is most likely abusive.
He is arrogant, mannerless and refers to women with the ‘B’ word. But still, girls love him. Why? I have no idea, could be the money.
The baby daddy
He is either the man you had a baby with or the one you are dating but has a child with another woman. If you are the mother of his child, he is probably just calling and seeing you still because of the baby. He loves the baby and provides like he should, or maybe you have scared him shitless with a FIDA card. He catches feelings when you date another man and still wants to control you.
In case he has a child with another woman, chances are that there are other women out there with his kids that you don’t know of. He hates using protection and every time you insist on the rubber, he would be like, “Don’t you trust me babe?”
Yeah right, that’s what got his other women pregnant in the first place. Just brace yourself for baby mama drama.
His baby mama will often threaten to leave his child with you because the man is apparently not paying for child support because he is busy spoiling you.
Do not be a statistic. If he has a baby with another woman, unless he marries you, you have no business being baby mama two, three or 10.
The friend with benefits
This is a friend who is not really a friend per se. Let me explain. He is the kind of guy who is not really your type. You are not dating, but are open with each other and the benefits part is in terms of sex. He is a man you keep when you do not want anything serious, or if you have husband or boyfriend whose prowess in the sack is heartbreaking, a friend with benefits is the go-to guy to sort your sexual deficits.
The good guy
Talk of saving the best for last. This is that guy your mama prays to have as a son-in-law. He is a gentleman by all standards, decent and well-mannered. The problem is that he is not assertive or visible and is easily dismissible, thus women tend to walk right past him. He could be the quiet and timid guy in the office whom you dismiss as a bore, or the waiter at your favourite joint.
They are always not very much fun being around, but once you get to know them, you are in good company.
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