If you are reading this now, it means you are living in Africa in the middle of the second decade of the 21st Century.
Which means ‘same sex’ relationships are now not that uncommon - and there is a certain lingua franca that goes with that territory.
Here’s a fun quiz to see how much of the queer terminology you know, just so if your kid tells you they are ‘coming out’ you don’t say, ‘hey, you are not going out anywhere, not this April, and not as long as you’re living under my roof.’
1) LGBTY is?
(a) Lesbian Gay Bi-sexual Trans-Gender Yumans
(b) Louis Vuitton’s latest handbag from their spring collection (Spring, in Kenya, is called the long rains season).
(c) Lithuanian Oil Drilling Company acronym (and they are coming to gouge Turkwell and gorge themselves on our oil).
(2) A gay is
(a) Homosexual person, especially a male.
(b) Person characterised by a cheerful, care free attitude to life
(c) A wild species of Hindi bovines, aka cattle, also known as gayal. Biological name is ‘Bos fontalis.’
(a) Gay lady
(b) A citizen of Lesbo, an island on the Aegean sea
(c) Two faced, tight fisting Lebanese trader. Mfano kwa sentensi, ‘these lesbian dukawallahs cannot be trusted.’
(4) ‘Butch and Dyke’
(a) Traditional terms within the lesbo community, to show who’s boss
(b) Planned 2017 re-make of the 1970s TV show, ‘Starsky and Hutch.’
(c) German road construction firm (good luck trying to get contracts off the Chinese consortia beloved by us).
(5) 50 Shades of Gray, the movie, is primarily targeted at middle-aged ladies. What does this mean in Keynesian economics?
(a) Policemen will be in demand among this demographic coz they hold the key ... and the handcuffs.
(b) Watchmen will suddenly be invited to daytime bedrooms by bored housewives, kwa sababu ya nyahunyo!
(c) The next Kenyan millionaire scientist — whatever happened to Dr Obel and his non Nobel? — will be the lady who invents a lubricant that tastes of mutura/nyam chom so he can chomp away as you sing a re-mix of ‘get down’ called ‘Go down.’