Lessons from the Bad Boy in 2014

On February 1, this year this column was birthed.

Frankly, I felt it was going to be impossible to write an extra column, given my male-themed column in our sister paper The Nairobian was stretching me beyond my limits.

But life happens. I took up the task. I took the opportunity to share with women the workings of a typical male mind.

Some consistent readers emerged and through the column, I met one fine woman, beautiful as hell and sharper than broken pieces of a glass bottle.

Once or twice, she has offered an idea to write and they came in handy in time before the deadline and the editor was on call from the other end. Here are a few memorable lessons from the column.

1. You can judge a woman by the music she listens to. If she is into rock, neo-soul and house or any genre beyond the ken of ordinary mortal, that spells trouble. Skip if you can.

2. Women can laugh or even decline advances from short men, but many men similarly are never excited by short women, but for a few exceptions.

3. The scantier the dressing, the shorter the relationship.

4. Younger and ambitious women in progressive careers are lousy hosts; don’t expect a properly cooked meal with warm feminine touch if you visit them.

5. One of the bigger tragedies of life is that those who make us happy rarely stay longer in our lives. Should you break up with a woman or man you love, keep them close. You never know when your heart or lust will crave for them.

6. For women dating men on the basis of ambition, two years is enough to see if his dreams can fly. If not, kindly move on or live with him on the knowledge that he will not make it in a million years.

7. When a woman fails to detect your sense of humour, know it is biological. They don’t have the capacity to appreciate humour as we men decode it.

8. Women always go for the worst man in the pack. Men with animal magnetism will always attract younger women. Nice chaps will get the same women later in life.

9. As men, we friendzone a woman by mostly ignoring her or acting clueless. She cannot believe our naiveté.

10. A woman should withhold the sexual favour until the right time when a man has fulfilled certain expectations.

11. Vulnerable women are ever so willing to jump in bed with men, like they are seeking some form of validation. It doesn’t have to be this way.

12. There is no greater gift from a woman than when she shares something illicit like a cigarette. Or the harder stuff. Or a one-night-stand. Such secret vices remind us that deep within every human being is a tamed animal that if unleashed, the world will be chaotic.

13.When breaking pregnancy news to your man, never sound distressed. Keep your calm. Do so face-to-face. And give us time to digest the news.

14.Campus is a place to experiment. Few love stories materialise in marriage. Women mostly leave their campus boyfriends for older and more monied chaps. And men mostly leave campus girlfriends for younger and more beautiful women.

15. For men: no one can teach you confidence. Neither is it inborn. But you can rehearse with your female friends, relatives and start with those closer to you.

16. The most beautiful woman in the pack is lousiest in bed and a joke in the kitchen.

17. For the college girl: If you want your freedom, independence to grow as an adult, only date someone who is older than you by five years or less. Not someone older who looks down upon you just because he provides and has a huge head start over you.

18. Beautiful women are only good as trophy girlfriends to flaunt to our male peers and make other women jealous - especially those who rejected us.

@nyanchwani

[email protected]

photo:www.spin.com