Moving on after infidelity

Infidelity is one of the worst experiences in a relationship. It evokes a volcano of emotions: Shock, rage, hurt, devastation, disillusionment and intense sadness. The breach of trust is devastating for a partner and results in distrust towards the offending partner. For the offended partner, dealing with infidelity can seem insurmountable and one suffers emotional and sometimes physical effects, like Gregory discovered:

“My wife was a virgin when I married her and although I was not, I valued her so much for saving herself for me. However, when I recently discovered she was having an affair, I was devastated, enraged and humiliated. I wanted to die and then I thought it best to kill her together with her lover. I, however, finally resolved she was not worth it. I have hit rock bottom and no matter how much I try to put this saga behind me, I continue to see images of her and her lover making out in my sleep.

 I have difficulty sleeping or even eating, I have lost so much weight I cannot seem to think about anything else. This state of affairs has totally consumed me.” 

Like Gregory, many people suffer emotional and physical trauma after discovering their partner’s infidelity. Although infidelity is devastating, there is hope for the relationship. 

Here are some tips:

• Evaluate your commitment to the relationship and decide to work on it. You have invested too much to let go. Walking away may seem the best option at the time, but it is worth giving your relationship another chance.

• Maintaining accountability, honesty and transparency will bring healing faster. To avoid suspicion, the channels of communication should remain open. Set scheduled dates for reviews.

• Erase the images of the scene playing in your mind by keeping busy and avoid talking about your pain with friends and relatives. Learn a new skill and travel if an opportunity arises. Exercise positive thinking regardless of the challenge and avoid any extremes in word and dead.  When the mind is flooded with the thoughts, train yourself to make a conscious decision not to allow the replay and by all means avoid pity parties.

• Do not continue to discuss details of the affair with your partner. Once you have talked them through and apologies given, acknowledge that the worst has happened and no explanation from: If I were the offending party, how would I want my partner to treat me? That will keep you sober.

• Rebuild your self-esteem by taking personal care and rebranding yourself. Make extra effort to look good, and read motivational and inspirational materials.

• If overwhelmed, seek the counsel of a professional or the clergy. Whatever you do, leave parents out of it because it will be difficult for them to know how to treat the offending partner.

• Set ground rules and fresh boundaries and talk about each other’s expectations. Have weekly meetings to evaluate and monthly as time goes on.

• It takes time, sometimes up to two years, to heal from infidelity. Be gentle on yourself.

• Restore the emotional connection and engage in all levels of intimacy — emotional, intellectual, spiritual, physical and recreational. Under no circumstances should you encourage a long separation because it is not helpful.

• Do not try to justify the action; neither should you blame yourself as the offended partner. Look into rebuilding a relationship that will last the test of time and avoid any contact with the lover, as it will not only revive the relationship but will destroy trust and subsequently the relationship, if caught. Whatever your situation remember nothing is impossible with God.