A woman proposing?

You love each other and have dated for years, but the question is not forthcoming. Tired of waiting, you pop the question.  How would a man take it when his woman does it? Gardy Chacha explores

Many women dream of the day when that special someone sinks to one knee, warmly stares them in the eyes, and utters the magical words, “Will you marry me?”

Some will shed tears, be rendered speechless or just coo under uncontrollable gush of bewilderment that will cause a bump in her vocal cords. But today, the women’s liberation movement has truly come so far that women can now propose so that their own version of happily ever after comes to life. Would men feel all these fizz of nervous sparkle when a woman proposes?

Last week, in our Eve Bridal section under the title ‘Friends for all seasons, reason’, there was one bold Jacinta Wanza who dared go against the grain by popping the big question.

Her fiancé Collins was caught off-guard for a flash of seconds, “I blushed, then gave her the biggest hug ever. She’s assertive, she knows what she wants…” said the elated groom. How many women are bold enough to go this way and how would men take it when their woman does it?

But what is so wrong with a woman proposing in this day and age? Are the rules of proposing cast in stone that they cannot be amended?

Assertive woman

“In the old world where civility is king, the man should always make the move,” Paul Falzone, the CEO of eLove — a dating and matchmaking service with a three-decade history – told writer McLean Robbins of GalTime.com.

 “Today though, the world has evolved quite a bit. If a guy can take a woman’s assertiveness, God bless her; let her run.”

Falzone says for some women, it’s about taking life into their own hands and being the mistresses of their own destinies. “You’re the most important person in your life and you’ve got to look at yourself and think, what’s best for me,” he explains.

However, as expected, there is a sharp divide in opinion regarding a woman proposing to her fiancé. 

Constance Dunn, an etiquette specialist and author of Practical Glamour says even though women might be able to bring men to the altar, he’s always going to wonder if he could have done better. She cites that in dating, a man’s psychology is convoluted towards thinking that if something (read a woman) is readily available, it becomes less valuable.

Subtle means

Anne Gichuki, a married mother of one, says she would never propose to a man since he would view her as morally loose and inconsiderate to the African culture where men make the pursuit.

She says. “In Africa, a man has to pay bride price and therefore, he has to initiate the whole process by proposing. As a lady, the most I can do is to give him a lead or hint.”

“There’s something important about that ritual of a man making that commitment to a woman,” Dunn says. She agrees that as society continues to evolve, the idea of women proposing may become both psychologically and socially more acceptable.

Jennifer Karina, a marriage counsellor and relationship expert says men are born hunters. They pride themselves in chasing after females and, therefore, when a woman proposes, he might accept the proposal but the reversal of roles hold certain ramifications to the progress of the relationship.

“In any relationship, it is important to allow the man to propose and chase after the woman; it massages the male ego. But in this era, as much as we love it the traditional way, it could also pass when a woman proposes.

The ugly flip side of this is that since the man loves conquering the woman of his dreams, he might seek to continue with the pursuit of a different woman who will eventually succumb to his love,” dissects Jennifer.

Jennifer argues that male instinct for the jugular certainly describes how he achieves satisfaction; a satisfaction that is savoured at consummation of the union.

She adds that a woman proposing would be because she feels it’s time for the relationship to scale up. However, she advises that a woman should exploit other subtle means to send a message that she is ready for marriage.

She states: “For many successful relationships, the man plays the role of heading the household while the woman nurtures it. His ego is massaged and that keeps the splint flaming.”

Feminine power

Jennifer’s thoughts resonate with Catherine Mbau’s, a counsellor and psychologist in Nairobi. According to Catherine, a woman who proposes loses a percentage of her feminine nature. While it might be considered a bold gesture, it does not necessarily relay the right information.

Catherine says the first thing that could read on the relationship barometer is despair. Together with this, there is likelihood that this shift from tradition might throw a relationship off balance and trigger a host of misconceptions and even mistrust.

“A man might seek to understand why the woman proposed: Is she trapping him? Is she trying to control him? Does she think that he is not man enough to go down on one knee? What does it mean; will she be the one heading the relationship and by extension the marriage?” Catherine quips.

“A man would love to conquer even the ‘toughest’ of women. He derives satisfaction in subduing the woman of his dreams. He wants to feel like he deserves to have her; like he worked for him to achieve her.”

Jennifer underpins that when a woman acquires the knack to propose, it could be precipitated by two situations: That she is the provider in the relationship and so the man has to swim to her rhythm, or that she is an older woman who fully has the reigns in her life.

Job Liech, a middle aged man from Mombasa wouldn’t mind being proposed to by a lady. He, however, agrees that it is unusual.  He would appreciate a woman proposing through actions instead of asking the basic question traditionally used in proposing.

“Action talks louder and sends the right signals. It’s unusual that a woman asks a man to marry her, but that notwithstanding, whoever proposes and the dynamics, are dependent on the depth of the relationship,” he says.

Would Jennifer advise a lady to propose?

 “No, a man is supposed to value the woman he is marrying. If you offer yourself to him without him making any efforts, then you halt his interest in you even if his feelings towards you had been genuine,” she opines.