By Paul Kariuki
Dear freshly married lady,
Your wedding was a colourful affair followed by an equal and exciting honeymoon. You enjoyed and valued (and still do), each other’s company. It’s that time now to settle down in the institution of marriage where you’ll understand that love is more than romantic feelings and physical expression.
- 1 Man loses custody of children to mother-in-law
- 2 Gay unions heavy cross for church?
- 3 How lockdown exposed young girls to pregnancy
- 4 From escaping marriage at 9 to being ‘serikali mashinani'
During your singlehood, you valued your independence and had freedom to make own informed choices without consultation. However, with marriage, some of your ‘girlish’ freedoms will have to go as you submit and yield to your husband.
Will you be giving priority to the needs and wishes of your husband and delight in putting him before yourself? Or will you see yourself as more important than he is and do what you want as your independence and rebellion characterise your marriage?
You may be wondering what submission in marriage refers to. Merriam-Webster defines submission as an act of submitting to the authority or control of another or the condition of being submissive, humble or compliant. Synonyms related to submission are compliance, conformity, obedience and subordination.
But to the modern, independent-minded woman, submission may sound as a form of slavery when in actual sense it is not. Nor is it lack of self importance on your part, value or a lack of intelligence or wisdom. Striving to be at par with your husband by calling the shots in name of equality will more likely exacerbate your marriage.
Submission works like in the case where a driver in a busy road yields to another motorist, giving him deference. This allows the ‘submissive’ driver to drive in tranquility and safety as he’s not competing with other vehicles to be first. Thus, a submissive wife will yield to her husband instead of competing with him.
If you’re an ideal wife, you’ll not have to wait until you’re told (or ordered) what to do. You may try to discover your man’s will and find satisfaction in fulfilling it. If you’re the kind that acts upon a directive, it is clear you haven’t grasped submission and flexibility well.
And with submission comes respect for your husband. You’re going to notice his good qualities knowing too well he’s not perfect and refrain from dwelling on his faults. You’ll not wait until he does something ‘superhuman’ in order to notice and heap applause on him. If he provides for you, is tender and compassionate, gives you attention and is patient with you, then those are qualities to talk about!
Your man is not just your husband. He’s your intimate friend. You’re not going to disregard him, compare him with other men who you flirt with behind his back. If he’s of a beer gut endowment, it’s not your business to wound him by drawing parallel between him and the skinny fellow next door. Your business is to value him as a normal person, not in drawing comparisons; regard him highly!
By marrying him, you made a decision that bound you to him for a lifetime. With that decision, you closed the door to those guys in your past life and became someone else’s — and, understandingly, your man sent signals to those women in his life that he’s now ‘taken’.
You’re going to prefer and appreciate him above everyone else. It’s his company, his counsel, his decisions and his approval that you’ll be seeking. In a nutshell, you’ll work for the good and comfort of your man.
You’ll find that submission to your man’s authority brings about harmony and happiness in your marriage. When you reject his authority through your insubordination and rebellion, you mar that harmony. Your personal happiness goes out the window as well and your home turns into a battlefield of sorts.
Perhaps, you’re wondering; what about me? I too need appreciation, honour and support from my man too. I’m not a tool for his self-gratification.I hear you clearly on that. But how do you expect to experience these if you do not live in subjection to your husband when you’re an independent and insubordinate spouse?
Dear ladies, I wish you luck as you build your marriage. No, I’m not a chauvinistic. Forgive me if you read this as an effrontery to the fair sex. I’ll give you this piece of my mind. When your children see how you obey your husband, they’ll respect you more.
After all, no one looks to a rocky start in their marriage or enduring such a one.