How parents have been kicked out of their children's marriages

Not so long ago, parents were actively involved in the marriages of their children. So much so that some — who, perhaps imagined they ‘knew better’ — took it upon themselves to find the ‘right’ spouses for their children in what were commonly referred to as ‘forced marriages’. And those who didn’t toe the line were punished by being cursed, wished bad luck or banished from home!

Ordinarily, parents are known to be very passionate about the marriages of their children. Thus, they always want to be involved in as far as vetting who their children marry. Interestingly, almost nine out of ten times, a child’s choice of partner tends to be a far cry from what their parents expect.

Take for instance, there are parents who strongly believe their children should never marry men or women from certain communities, clans, races, or ethnic backgrounds because of cultural, political, social or religious differences; something most young people care less about. And when such occurs, it always turns acrimonious.

To save themselves the trouble, more and more younger people are opting to ‘defy’ their parents by ignoring them, and not just eloping but also making their marriages legal through the Attorney General’s chambers.

Parents against unions

A certain Geoffrey confesses, “This is the forth year since we eloped with my wife. We plan to make our marriage official some time this year, of course without involving our parents. Her parents have been against the union from the word go. Reason? They hate the fact that their relatively well educated daughter is in love with me — a less educated man.

“When my parents heard that her parents are against the marriage, they also developed a dislike for her family and now our families are at loggerheads. They hate each other, and there is no goodwill from either side. To avoid all the drama, me and her decided to do things on our own. We moved in together, obviously to the chagrin of her parents. We now live as husband and wife, and it just a matter of time before we legalise it at the AG’s office.”

Throw spanners of all sorts

The self-confessed Form Two drop-out but thriving businessman goes on to add, “That our parents are itching to throw in spanners of all sorts doesn’t shake us. We are determined to live together come hell or high water. The fact that she loves me and the feeling is mutual is satisfying enough.”   

Geoffrey’s case is not very unique. There are, indeed, thousands of such marriages — complete with children — in this country that have been in existence for years; marriages where the spouses don’t see eye-to-eye with their in-laws.

When asked, many young men and women said parental approval in marriage is no longer necessary. Edward dated his campus love for three years and they moved in together. They cohabited for three more years before they decided to be husband and wife.

Six years into it and he has never introduced her formally to his family. But his girlfriend has introduced him and he has been fully accepted by her family. But considering his wife is from a different community, his parents and members of his extended family have always been suspicious and doubtful about the stability and longevity of the marriage.

Clashing cultures

“They were in the habit of giving examples of individuals who had married from other communities whose marriages fell apart because of clashing cultures,” says Edward. His father and uncles particularly warned him that he might waste his time, only to be divorced later. But Edward argues that theirs was a different relationship.

Presently, Edward has a one-year old daughter. He has since taken the child home for, among other rituals, blessings and shaving her first hair. And that is the time he introduced his wife to his parents, members of his extended family and clan as well.

“Luckily, they may reject my wife but not the child. Many of my family members have accepted my wife albeit grudgingly,” Edward explains.

Edward adds that his wife encourages him to take heart and that it is just a matter of time before they realise individuals are different and every marriage unique.

Traditional values thaw

The world has indeed changed. And interestingly, even the elderly have sort of adjusted their tough and strict rules as the traditional values thaw in the face of unrelenting globalisation. Travelling for exposure and living in cities has changed the world view of younger people.

The traditional and cultural ceremony that used to characterise marriages and weddings is no more. Nowadays, younger people just get married and only report it to parents later as they take home their children.

Edward adds that his wife encourages him to take heart and that it is just a matter of time before his parents realise individuals are different and every marriage unique.

Married without dad’s blessings

Edward’s case is not exceptional. It is increasingly becoming the norm among many other young couples. Many parents with children toiling in cities and urban centres are introduced to their grandchildren — born of men and women they have never seen or don’t approve of — much later.

That is how Kefar Monari, a resident of Kisii County met his daughter-in-law and grandson. He says one afternoon, his son arrived home with a wife and son in tow. The old man says he was shocked but because he loves his son, he was lost for words. He could not express his displeasure or shock, he kept quiet and behaved as though all was okay.

“I had urged him to marry. But he had never told me that he is married. Now he comes home with his wife and child without our prior blessings,” the old man complains. But he had to accept and move on. Not that he had any other option anyway.

Mr Monari reckons that parents feel disrespected when children marry without their consent.

Hitched at the AG’s chambers

Getting married at the Attorney General’s chambers is easy, less fussy and requires only the couple getting married and two witnesses, and you are good to sign on the dotted line. If the records at the Attorney General’s chambers are anything to go by, more and more people, especially urbanites are opting for civil marriages.

Sources in the Attorney General’s office reveal there is an upward trend in this kind of marriage. Take, for instance, the year 2013. Records reveal that more than 2,500 weddings were conducted in the Nairobi office alone. Add to these those who get certificates having wedded traditionally and those who enter civil unions in other parts of the country, and the number goes up considerably.

The officers’ conduct an average of 15 weddings on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays and during the peak season; in April, August and December the number can go as high as 20. Mark you, this data doesn’t include those men who go for certificates once they get their women pregnant and want to access medical insurance.

Why the rise in civil weddings

Why the young are forgoing involving their parents can be attributed to the ease with which civil weddings are conducted. Loyce Bett, a State Counsel in the Office of the Attorney General last year told our sister publication The Nairobian that people who turn up at the AG chambers are after convenient marriages.

“Some don’t even want to recite vows. If they could be given a certificate without reciting the vows, they would prefer that,” she said.

Asked why the young are in such a rush, even in life changing decisions such as marriage, she explained: “They don’t want to involve the family who might complicate the marriage with objections and crazy demands.”

She further observed that those who went there went with their best friends and confidantes, not family members.

Good or bad thing?

Kanguru Mwati, a sociologist observes that, “these marriages are popular in urban centres where the youth want to do away with cultural procedures that are time consuming and economically draining.

“Marriages are now individualistic and the young are using civil marriages to skip paying dowry or postpone payment to a later date when they can afford it,” he adds.

But Martin Muli, a 55 year old civil servant in Nairobi and father of three, says that children should not stop consulting parents yet.

“We know some are in rush, some could be genuinely in love, but marriage is a big thing. You must not only involve your parents, but your community as well. So without their acceptance your marriage will be full of trouble,” he warns.

“Even if they may not agree with your choices, it is important to seek their consent.”

Kanguru, the sociologist, however, says this can be a good thing for the country.

“By the young disobeying their parents’ traditions, it is a good thing for the country. It is the only way we can deal with negative ethnicity and toxic intolerance.

“Children from such marriages are more likely to behave and act differently from those born by parents from the same community. That and urbanisation is what will encourage ethnic cohesion. So looking at it from the bigger picture, it is a good thing,” he concludes.

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