The poison that is a woman's money

In a recent poll involving 26 randomly selected men, virtually all the responses suggested that a woman’s money is inaccessible. And in the rare event that a man is smart enough to access it, those polled said more often than not, the cash turns out to be ‘poisonous’ and ‘haunting’!

 Guarded jealously

Women hardly allow anything, especially men, to come between them and their money. A woman’s money is guarded jealously, especially against her man. Women go to great lengths to protect their money from their men, even if it means running secret bank accounts.

It is very common, in rural Kenya to hear of a mother who had previously complained of being very broke, whine about having lost her money! And only later, in a bid to validate the theft, confess to having secretly saved/hidden the cash somewhere in her house.

 For instance, a tale is told of a well-known journalist who stumbled upon his wife’s secret account in the hidden corners of their closet. He took (read stole) some of the money without her permission, only to receive a call while on a business trip in Kampala over a huge sum of money lost in the house. He confessed he had taken the money.

Secret accounts

He give it back to her. A couple of days later, upon checking whether the ‘bank’ still existed, he found nothing. Apparently, many wives have had secret bank accounts for the longest time, without their husbands being any clever. Men have had these secret bank accounts for the longest, but tables seem to have turned.

Gloria Akama, who runs a private school in Nakuru, lays bare the secret: “Yes, we do it. The money we get from our endeavours such as chamas... we never disclose everything to our men. Mostly, if you don’t trust each other, you cannot afford to be transparent.”

Faith Rono, a lecturer in a college based in Nairobi, says they do so because they never know what men do with their money.

“We always suspect that he spends it on the clandes (secret lovers). And nothing irritates a woman more than knowing her man doesn’t give her quality life because some of his money is spent on other women out there.

Catherine, a gossip columnist opines that men never save for a rainy day and that women’s secret bank accounts are just a creative way to help men save.

“It’s for the good of the family, and again, just in case you kick me out, I will have something to start my new life with,” she says.

Women’s attachment to their money can be best explained by men who have ever borrowed money from a woman and delayed in repaying.

Paul Onyango, a medical researcher in Rift Valley, is one such man. He has never understood the urgency with which women demand monies owed to them.

“If they borrow money, they expect you to be patient with them in repaying. But if it is them who borrowed from you, forget it! You will never hear the last of it, and if you try demanding it back, they gossip about you, calling you petty and a nag,” says the 31-year-old medic.

“It is never a good idea to borrow money from a woman. Rarely do they loan you. And when they do, they can broadcast it to the entire world if you fail to pay,” says Sydney Kehari, who had his name maligned when he failed to pay back on time some money he had borrowed from one of his female friends.

Spoilt brat

Some of men this writer talked to said despite their girlfriends and wives earning more than they do, they have never seen a cent of their money.

Take the case of Juma Shivachi, whose wife behaves, in his words, “like a spoilt brat” and scoffs at him whenever he announces that he is stuck and needs her to  pay some bill. “I once asked  her to foot an electricity bill as I was broke. She flatly refused and called me ‘strange’. She  said she had never seen her father ask her mother  to pay for anything,” says Mr Shivachi.

Weight, weaves

In the days gone by, men were the breadwinners and the politics of family finances were less muddled. However, with the empowerment of women, more so on the financial front, one would expect women to unburden their men by, for instance, learning to pay bills, but wapi (far from it)! Instead, women, as most men say, have continued to be very dodgy and tight-fisted with their money.

 They seem to have stuck, and strictly adhered to the mantra: “My money is mine, and his money is ours.” The easiest way to get a woman sulk and foam at the mouth is asking her to chip in at the time of paying the bills, however much she could be earning.

 Other than matters weight and weaves, women hate any discussion about their money. In most households, whenever husbands start discussing with their wives about ‘her money’, she always squirms. That the woman in question may be earning more than her husband doesn’t make the matter any better. This has made most men develop the perception that most women are stingy.

Take the case of Sam Makau*, a marketer.

His wife earns slightly more than he does, but she never participates in settling bills. “For the sake of peace, I never ask her to help in paying the bills. I struggle with them alone.

Even when my salary is late, I’d rather borrow money from a colleague to settle the bills than ask her to chip in,” reveals Makau. He proceeds to add that he once tried to say something to the effect that he wanted her to chip in, and it didn’t go down well with her. She heckled him and loudly wondered what kind of a man he was.

“I once had a small financial constraint. I had changed jobs and my new salary delayed. When I asked her to pay the rent, she scoffed at me, and sarcastically asked me if I still wanted to be considered a man after heaping my responsibility on her. I was embarrassed. I had to borrow money from a friend,” adds Makau.

He wonders what his wife does with her money, because whenever he tells her that he is broke, she also pulls the same line on him. Yet she hardly makes any financial contribution to the running of their household. 

Many men have been left wondering how some women can afford to shout themselves hoarse about equity and ‘equality’, but the moment they are called upon to share certain responsibilities with their men, such as paying bills 50-50, they start whining.

Pampering herself

Most such women, like Nancy Okiya, a hair dresser, hold the view that “Pesa za mwanamke ni za kujirembesha na kusaidia wazazi wake, si kulisha mwanaume. Mwanaume ni ku-hustle (a woman’s money is for pampering herself and providing financial assistance to her parents, not feeding a man. Men must work hard)”.

Fiery Nancy subscribes to the view that a man who cannot take care of his woman has no business being in a relationship or married.

While women have evolved in many aspects, psychologically they are still stuck with the old mentality that the man has to pay the bills. Or at least take the lions’ share in paying. Mention to a lady about going Dutch (splitting the bill) at a restaurant and you will see the mother of all protests; she will simplify the matter by claiming you are not a gentleman!

Women’s hesitancy to join those in the West by splitting bills with men stems from the fact that African men have not yet evolved to the point of expecting a woman to pay the bills.

Male ego

“Men used money to control women and expected women to repay in kind, mainly through sex or household chores,” says Paul Opondo, an anthropologist from the University of Nairobi.

“And men still expect the same, even though there have been sociological changes now that women earn as well and possess some power and call shots in a relationship or family set-up. That means they can no longer play the traditional roles, not just because they are rebelling, but they work the same number of hours as men and are likely to be tired when they get home,” offers the anthropologist.

For Sandra Koech, who distributes TV decoders, women can pay the bills or split where necessary but the problem is always with the men.

“There are men who can have a cow if you if you offer to pay the bill,” she says.

A female newspaper editor who seek anonymity, too thinks the male ego is the problem.

“I have ever been in a situation where I was footing the bills, but he was always uncomfortable, now I let him do it,” she says.So do men become less of men when women start footing the bill? It is OK, most men say, but they say women never ‘shut up’ about it.

 When women help, it is said, they broadcast it everywhere. And they hardly help someone for long without complaining. Interestingly, some women know this too well that they don’t borrow from fellow women, they borrow from men.