Revisiting the charade at the gravesite

By TED MALANDA

KENYA: I was tickled to no end to discover, by accident, that some scholars had quoted yours truly in an academic publication on culture and death in West Africa. I laughed because it seems I have written extensively on funerals. They so fascinate me.

And so, because of a dry spell in creativity, to death and funerals I return. Are you aware that the reason most people troop to church religiously and even allow themselves to be fleeced by crooks of the cloth is because they are afraid of being buried like pagans?

Tithes

So deep is this fear that upon death, church operatives draw up in an invoice of tithes never remitted, to be paid before the good pastor can string his collar around his chubby throat for “dust to dust and ashes to ashes”.  What everyone pretends to see, however, is the ‘paganistic’ rituals that ensue right before the pastor’s nose. You see, where I come from, every clan has certain burial rituals, of course quite ‘satanic’ to the brethren, that are held sacrosanct, paramount being how you lie in your grave and the direction your head faces.

We don’t care whether you see visions or have a direct line to St Peter.

The moment you are gone, after we have gone through the pantomime of pretending you are more Christian than the Israelis themselves, we proceed to the grave and your remains are lowered to your final resting place.

Paganistic

“Choir itupe wimbo (a song from the choir please) the pastor intones. And right there, as the man of God robbed in white, Holy Book in hand, sings imported songs translated into our tongue, men of the clan open your coffin and perform paganistic rituals that include making you lie according to the tenets of the clan. And cursing the idiot who bewitched you.

On this, the pastor must comply, for he knows that when the bell tolls for him, he will never arrive in heaven lying on his back like some mzungu but seated as decreed by ancient custom.