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Crackdown on fake smiles launched

By Mark Mutahi | July 29th 2013 at 12:00:00 GMT +0300

By Mark Mutahi

Kenya: The Bureau of Standards has launched a massive crackdown on fake gestures that have become prevalent in the country.

Top on the list in the war against fakes includes fake smiles. The standards body said they had taken the fake smiles through a rigorous quality testing procedure and found them to be annoyingly substandard.

“For long people have been subjected to fake smiles and Kenyans deserve better,” said the spokesperson for the government agency.

One of the people arrested was an office worker who had been bypassed for promotion in favour of a colleague. The worker was nabbed while flashing a fake smile at the colleague who got the promotion while he clearly still harboured ill feelings.

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Citing another incident where they arrested a woman for flashing her mother-in-law a fake smile, the spokesperson for the standards body pointed out that they were only doing this to avoid the negative effects it might have on the wider population.

“Everything fake has a negative effect. Take the fake smiles, for instance. You might flash your mother-in-law a fake smile and make her mistake it for a sign of being wanted, consequently, making her double or triple her visits. Just save the poor woman the hassle of travelling and the accruing expenses,” the spokesperson lamented.

Also under investigation are the fake smiles that rival politicians flash each other. This, it is claimed, is very common when politicians meet in public and there are cameras around yet, ordinarily, they would strangle each other to death if they had met in a dark alley.

Also facing a crackdown is fake laughter. Cases have been reported of employees who have been sucking up to their bosses by laughing at every mundane statement and dry jokes their boss makes, in a bid to earn themselves favours.

Announcing the particular arrests, the spokesperson for the standards body noted that use of fake laughter which end up making someone mistake themselves to be funny can have devastating consequences.

“Imagine if you laugh at your boss’ stale joke and he suddenly thinks he can become a comedian and then go on to make a fool of himself! Not only does he become an embarrassment to his family but he loses his dignity at your organisation,” the spokesperson for the Bureau of Standards stated.


The Bureau of Standards is also cracking down on fake accents by people who have recently travelled to United States and other countries considered highly developed and therefore desirable. Desks have been stationed at major entry points and language experts stationed there to check for fake accents among the Kenyans coming back from such countries.

Police are also warning everyone to be on the lookout for fake tears that have become common all across the country. But they warned that fake tears are hard to detect because of the very nature of crocodile tears.

“Everyone must exercise due diligence because when people hear of crocodile tears, they expect to see croc-shaped tears flowing down the cheeks but it’s not as literal as that,” warned the standards body amid a smile, which this writer later confirmed was fake!

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