Thank goodness life is no movie

By Ted Malanda

Chuck Norris waltzed into the melee like a ballerina. He kicked one bugger, floored another with a nasty karate chop on the side of the neck and sent the heaviest crook crushing into a litterbin.

Suddenly, one of the floored criminals reached into his coat pocket, removed a pistol and fired a bullet. You know what Chuck then did? He also removed a pistol and fired with deadly accuracy, killing the killer on the spot.

undertaker

Now, if the two idiots had guns, why did they waste valuable time kicking and punching each other? Why didn’t they just shoot and have someone else call the undertaker?

Those are movies for you. These days, I watch them for amusement — to compare that dreamy charade with real life.

For instance, I have never been able to comprehend why two accomplices backbiting an adversary never shut the door. Even the most dimwitted actor should know by now that adversaries always hide behind the door, elephant-sized ears eavesdropping for secrets.

But it gets more maddening. Some wretched fellow spends six years hunting down the guy who raped and killed his mother (movies have the most morbid storylines). Yet when he catches up with him, instead of placing ten bullets in the rapist’s kneecap, he starts, “I hate you, ooh! You will pay for this, ooh! I hate you, ooh!”

Always, the sinned upon fellow tremulously clutches onto a pistol, snarling and crying in equal measure while the evil one taunts him, saying, “Go on — shoot if you are a man!” Naturally, the hunted always manages to snatch the gun and kill the hunter. Sorry Hollywood; angry people don’t give speeches — they shoot first and answer questions later.

Love scenes make my head spin even more. First, lets dispense with the fiction that when couples stir in the morning, they start kissing ravenously. Arrant nonsense. When you wake up in the morning, for the species that consumes alcohol, your mouth tastes like a tannery and no woman will by dying for your kiss.

Second, if you consumed seven beers the previous night, the first thing you do in the morning is beat it to the bathroom to empty your bladder while mulling over traffic jams. You don’t start admiring your wife’s skin.

stomps

But nothing beats a break-up in the movies. After that tearful, “You hurt me; I cant live without you but I’m leaving anyway!” speech, the guy strolls out of the door to the beats of some soulful, heart wrenching ballad.The woman, who loves the sorry fool but can’t live with him because she loves him so much (oh the flowery crap we get fed!), feebly wails “Te-ed!” and runs after him. But she always stops at the door — as the hurt man stomps out, never to return.

Girl, if you love that belching creature, run after him — past the open door. No one is stopping you! Finally, thought you should know. When you hit a man on the jaw, your hand swells for three weeks. And the scoundrel also hits back — he never faints.

 

How to quit a political party

Something strange happened last week. KTN investigative editor Mohamed Ali resigned and joined the opposition.

That is not strange. What caught my attention is that before he quit, he sent an email to his colleagues saying he’d enjoyed every minute of working with them and thanked his employer for giving him the opportunity to serve.

His employer quickly responded in an email circulated to all staff, heaping praise on Mohamed and wishing him the very best in his new endevours.

But the game was only getting juicier. The same evening, KTN announced his departure on Prime Time in the most glowing terms.

The long and short of it is that if Mohammed decides to come back to KTN next week, he would. Similarly, should he bump into his former boss, he needn’t duck into the nearest alley.

It doesn’t always work like that. For most people, quitting a job is like a messy divorce. Employee and boss send each other nasty emails that border dangerously on the anatomy below the belt. Employee quits — often without giving notice.

If he or she resigns, angry boss still fires them. Employee gets a new job. Boss gets whiff of it, sneaks over and says, “Are you people mad? Who in their right senses would hire an incompetent, lying, thieving fellow like this one?”

Meanwhile, the employee walks all over town telling people, “That place is a den of thieves. It reeks of corruption and the boss is a devil and skirt worshiper.

It’s even more exciting in politics. Had Mohamed been a politician, he would have called a press conference announcing he was leaving that good-for-nothing KTN party because it was a dictatorship filled with corrupt anti-reformists. Why, in no time he would be spilling the beans — all of them.

Meanwhile, at KTN House, a raft of politicians would summon a counter press conference and announce that Mohamed’s departure was good riddance.

“That man was an egotistic but punctured politician with no following at the grassroots level. He had nothing to offer the party. His departure will not affect the KTN party in any way,” the spokesman would announce, as other party officials squirmed to ensure they get captured on TV.

The following morning, Mohamed would have begun a nationwide whirlwind tour, blasting the KTN party at every funeral and market place.  In his wake, KTN party officials would arrive to undo the damage by insulting Mohamed till dusk.