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Ted Malanda

Why social media miscreants deserve no mercy

From fake presidential election tallies, fake alerts about abductions to misleading congratulatory messages for candidates said to have won but who did not, the social media space has become toxic

By Ted Malanda 1 year ago

Why social media miscreants deserve no mercy

The success story of mediation in resolving lengthy court processes

The success story of mediation in resolving lengthy court processes

By Ted Malanda 1 year ago

Mwai Kibaki: Kenya's most underestimated and misunderstood politician

Mwai Kibaki: Kenya's most underestimated and misunderstood politician

By Ted Malanda 1 year ago

Mormons to build 'magnificent' temple

Mormons to build 'magnificent' temple

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Time Kenya changed her name to Kelelestan

Your pub is bound to sound like an asylum – six television sets broadcasting two different football leagues and four Naija movies.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Time Kenya changed her name to Kelelestan

Playing with fire has always been a national pastime in these parts

I shudder to imagine the horror and terror of being smack in the middle of a petroleum explosion.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Playing with fire has always been a national pastime in these parts

Circumcision has never been so overrated

I have had reason to question whether I should have been a skirt wearer; the logic being that a man is circumcised to be fearless, immune to suffering

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Circumcision has never been so overrated

Government is that hapless parent who gave up on rogue children

I also don’t mind actual government employees who only turn up to ghost around government premises, sniffing government oxygen.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Government is that hapless parent who gave up on rogue children

Sometimes, the old ways are the best

Unlike hotels where you can be ordered to peel potatoes if you are unable to pay the bill, what the heck do you do at a petrol station? Fix punctures?

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Sometimes, the old ways are the best

Blimey, we are now naming elephants!

I wonder how they will feel when elephants named after them are shot dead by rangers

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Blimey, we are now naming elephants!

Don’t waste university degrees on politicians, give them to voters

If voters were better educated, wananchi would not turn up at political rallies to be entertained by educated politicians with two left feet.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Don’t waste university degrees on politicians, give them to voters

Anecdotes from decades of long distance travel

I have endured bogus preachers and seen hawkers shove frilly, wild coloured innerwear in old people’s faces at bus stops.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Anecdotes from decades of long distance travel

Your greatest achievement in life is surviving the madness of youth

Surviving the idiocies, recklessness, madness and the know-it-all foolishness of youth is the biggest achievement of your life.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Your greatest achievement in life is surviving the madness of youth

Stupidity is driving around with empty fuel can and cash in pocket

When I bought my first car, which was an awfully foolish thing to do because I couldn’t afford one, I did what every smart man does.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Stupidity is driving around with empty fuel can and cash in pocket

Bachelor’s degrees? Prof Magoha, just get rid of all of them please

So by training, I am supposed to be familiar with matters related to the Bachelor of Education degree.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Bachelor’s degrees? Prof Magoha, just get rid of all of them please

The rich are eating like rabbits while the poor take fat like kings

What I can’t fathom, however, is why what economists would call ‘Kenya’s potbelly per capita’ is rising when the Kenyan economy is shrinking.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

The rich are eating like rabbits while the poor take fat like kings

Kenya reeling from a crisis of language

The crisis of language is a national phenomenon. We neither write nor speak decent English.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Kenya reeling from a crisis of language

Women want polyandry by the horns? Big deal, give it to them!

A progressive Bill that allows women to acquire more than two husbands. Polyandry, it is called.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Women want polyandry by the horns? Big deal, give it to them!

Why you should keep off any spat between Kisiis, Kurias

Never get caught up in a Kisii-Kuria brawl

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Why you should keep off any spat between Kisiis, Kurias

Marriage is great when the husband is not home

Love is a beautiful thing, but you can’t miss someone who is always breathing down your nose.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Marriage is great when the husband is not home

Kenya and Uganda could as well be one country, or maybe not

Culturally, our people are so in sync that even before our presidents signed memoranda, we have always traversed either country.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Kenya and Uganda could as well be one country, or maybe not

If the human race goes extinct, it will be good riddance

The moment all-male promulgation instruments are neutered, the rat race will end.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

If the human race goes extinct, it will be good riddance

Nabongo was a British collaborator? Tell that to the birds

His wisdom in conning the British to fight his battles has long been vindicated.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Nabongo was a British collaborator? Tell that to the birds

Cartels thrive in filth and confusion, just like roddents

You don’t have to gun down or jail brokers and cartels. Just clean up the filth.

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Cartels thrive in filth and confusion, just like roddents

Divorce at midnight and the long sneaky arm of the law

"I have heard many reasons for a midnight divorce but had no clue that kifo cha mende was one of them"

By Ted Malanda 2 years ago

Divorce at midnight and the long sneaky arm of the law

You will not see heaven if you don’t know people

Our colonial masters stole our land, alright, but they left behind a pretty solid civil service, which these oldies, whom we love dearly, messed up.

By Ted Malanda 3 years ago

You will not see heaven if you don’t know people

We have PhDs whose education was waste of resources – Dr Njoki Maina

She earned a doctorate in medical and molecular genetics at 27, chose the University of Nairobi over Harvard and speaks impeccable sheng

By Ted Malanda 3 years ago

We have PhDs whose education was waste of resources – Dr Njoki Maina

Whites are ‘animal lovers,’ but Africans dismissed as witches

He says Kenyan universities have become repositories of intellectual rigidity and severely limited intellectual space

By Ted Malanda 3 years ago

Whites are ‘animal lovers,’ but Africans dismissed as witches

Dr Wameyo: Humble vet who loved his job and life

Kenneth was a child of privilege whose father was an assistant minister, yet he was the simplest of beings.

By Ted Malanda 4 years ago

Dr Wameyo: Humble vet who loved his job and life

Echesa: Self-made power-man loses glitter as fast as he came

Nabongo Mumia, who ruled swathes of land from Naivasha to parts of Western Uganda, never stepped inside a classroom.

By Ted Malanda 5 years ago

Echesa: Self-made power-man loses glitter as fast as he came

We raise daughters to outdo men, but teach sons to marry women beneath them

There is a huge conflict in trying raising an empowered woman who will honour matrimonial obligations

By Ted Malanda 5 years ago

We raise daughters to outdo men, but teach sons to marry women beneath them

BOSS FUNGA ZIP! The embarrassment of walking in Nairobi with an open fly

In Dec 2008, in a very elaborate scheme to cheat the government off VAT, I slunk into the bowels of River Road to buy new tyres

By Ted Malanda 5 years ago

BOSS FUNGA ZIP! The embarrassment of walking in Nairobi with an open fly

‘The world hates ugly people’ is the best thing you’ll read today

The next time someone asks you to live long enough to blow a thousand candles, shoot them

By Ted Malanda 5 years ago

‘The world hates ugly people’ is the best thing you’ll read today

Four extremely ugly people you are likely to meet in your life before you die

You can’t enjoy a cigarette

By Ted Malanda 5 years ago

Four extremely ugly people you are likely to meet in your life before you die

Five ridiculous but funny ways to commit suicide in Kenya

When I was a college boy, a man woke up and discovered that he was weighed down by the travails of life

By Ted Malanda 5 years ago

Five ridiculous but funny ways to commit suicide in Kenya

'A condom always bursts on a rainy day' - Best thing you'll read in 2018

I almost collided into a pregnant woman walking down Nairobi's Haile Selassie Avenue, her face glowing with the youthful fragrance of those so young menopause could as well be a mouthwash

By Ted Malanda 5 years ago

'A condom always bursts on a rainy day' - Best thing you'll read in 2018

INTERESTING READ: Porn movies in Kenya speak volumes about our economy and living standards

Sex, one of the most pleasurable things in life, perhaps only second to counting a thick wad of banknotes, has this ridiculous stigma around it

By Ted Malanda 6 years ago

INTERESTING READ: Porn movies in Kenya speak volumes about our economy and living standards

'A condom always bursts on a rainy day' - Best thing you'll read in 2018

<p>I almost collided into a pregnant woman walking down Nairobi's Haile Selassie Avenue, her face glowing with the youthful fragrance of those so young menopause could as well be a mouthwash

By Ted Malanda 6 years ago

'A condom always bursts on a rainy day' - Best thing you'll read in 2018

Amina Mohammed the only 'man' in Uhuru's Cabinet

While eulogising the late Economics Planning Minister Zachary Onyonka, his contemporary and fellow intellectual Mwai Kibaki simply said, “This man understood how the Government works”.

By Nicholas Asego and Ted Malanda 7 years ago

Amina Mohammed the only 'man' in Uhuru's Cabinet

Letter to the matatu driver who destroyed my life

The young PhD holder was walking along a Nairobi Road from one of those little gigs where intellectuals gather to pontificate about how to save a world that long gave up on itself.

By Ted Malanda 7 years ago

Letter to the matatu driver who destroyed my life

If Jomo woke up, he'd whip Kuria senseless

Once in a while, an earth tremor rips through parts of the city of Nairobi. When that happens, the spiritually inclined shout hallelujah! and claim it is a sign of Armageddon – the end of times.

By Ted Malanda 7 years ago

If Jomo woke up, he'd whip Kuria senseless

Keep off wedding shows and beer ads, Mr Ezekiel Mutua

Immorality is a deep and complex problem that won't be sorted out by sniffing through wedding shows and beverage adverts. The immoral train pulled out of the station a long time ago and fixing it will take more than bans and the law.

By Ted Malanda 7 years ago

Keep off wedding shows and beer ads, Mr Ezekiel Mutua

Judy Kibaki: Is she the best MP Nairobi never elected?

It has taken the demise of Mama Lucy Kibaki for her only daughter, Judy, to come back into the public limelight. Unlike her brother Jimmy who once flirted with politics, retired President Kibaki’s most eloquent and probably brainiest child prefers to lurk in the shadows.

By Ted Malanda 7 years ago

Judy Kibaki: Is she the best MP Nairobi never elected?

The things I learnt from Jacob Juma’s death

The African is a complex animal. You could gaze at him for hours, days, months. But the mystique that lies within us is so deep, so dark, that only a witchdoctor can unravel i

By Ted Malanda 7 years ago

The things I learnt from Jacob Juma’s death

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