Come ebola or bombs, we're ready to put on a show

A waiter walks through an empty lounge at Voi Wildlife Lodge in Tsavo East. Violence in parts of the Coast has made the tourism low season even less profitable. [PHOTO: GIDEON MAUNDU/ STANDARD]

Peals of laughter reverberated throughout the country yesterday after Kenyans heard the parental authority’s latest joke; that it is prepared to deal with Ebola, the contagion that has reportedly killed more than 700 people in West Africa.

The infectious laughter started when Kenyans with access to the Internet visited the parental authority’s new websites, dedicated to the war on Ebola and numerous other ills.

The websites, [email protected] and [email protected], are proving quite a hit with patriotic Kenyans who have to put up with the authority’s shenanigans of launching a website for nearly every disaster, event and function, even when that function or event is just a State functionary inconveniencing other road users with a cavalcade of vehicles.

Kenyans were amused, bemused, and even surprised, confused, flabbergasted, miffed, and elated, all at the same time, that the parental authority, which largely speaks after the fact from all sides of its many mouthpieces, issued a statement before an Ebola-related death was reported.

But what made them happy and sad at the same time is the fact that the parental authority had the spine to say it was prepared for something, anything, when even it knows it is never prepared for anything, except apportioning blame for its shortcomings.

“We do not have any shortcomings,” one of the mouthpieces posted on yet another Twitter account, opened specifically to address Ebola. “Our enemies are planning to send Ebola to our shores and we urge Kenyans to go join the online war against Ebola.”

The mouthpiece, whose title was not clear even to itself, said it was speaking for the PSCU, the Permanently and Strategically Confused Unit, which is supposed to handle all miscommunication matters of the parental authority.

Even before the tweet could be re-tweeted, since Kenyans were still wondering how to tackle Ebola with their keyboards, the PSCU posted a statement on its favourite book, Facebook, denying any association with the first mouthpiece. The Unit urged Kenyans to ignore any form of miscommunication from other websites, except [email protected], its official website.

“We have no association with the said mouthpiece and this is the only mouthpiece you should visit for any obfuscation on the legion of problems the country is faced with,” their post read in part.

As Kenyans giggled, they remembered the parental authority had been steadfast fighting all sorts of wars, and was most likely fighting one against itself because it was always on the losing end, even when the enemy was just a figment of its infertile imagination.

Just a few months earlier, it had launched some feeble war on illicit alcohol, the poisonous concoction of chemicals, intended to prevent Kenyans from actively participating in the national exercise of bending their elbows so they can stagger, trot or drive to their graves as if they had won an international tender to give business to coffin makers.

The brews, it was observed, had the power to make their victims blind before burning their innards, and killing them. Probably, this was a sign that they did not want to see the hopelessness and flailing of arms that are the hallmarks of the parental authority.

“Those found engaging in the business of selling illicit alcohol will be charged in court, arrested, and released on bail, in that order,” one of parental authority’s mouthpieces had announced, again exhibiting the procedure of conducting business within different departments.

“I have fired all the police bosses in whose areas these deaths occurred,” he added.

On being informed the police officers and other individuals were still in office, he said he could not confirm or deny whether they were still in office or whether he had fired or sacked them, or just terminated their services.

“Theirs is a matter of national security and cannot be discussed in public,” he said. “My position is also a matter of national security, and I cannot confirm or deny whether I am running this docket, or just running around. However, I’m aware that I’m not aware of what is happening in my docket.”

While Kenyans are justified in complaining, they have to admit that when it comes to the war on security, the parental authority has done its bit, a perfect job by any poor standards, and achieved all its aims. Subsequently, it is now possible for Kenyans to be shot and killed outside any police station, or any place of their choice. Their chances of getting ambushed and shot dead are higher when they are at any place where security has been beefed up, as has been happening in some parts of the Coast.

Then there is the war on tourism. The parental authority must be lauded for achieving what the previous administrations with their attendant random acts of violence failed to achieve in well-calculated State-sponsored projects in different areas over the years.

In a short period, it has ensured visiting Kenya is as safe as putting your head in the mouth of a crocodile readying itself for the annual migration of the wildebeest.

But anyway, who needs all these foreigners here, when all they come to do is occupy all the nice hotels where they pay top dollar and lock out the locals whose earnings cannot even pay for a drink in the exclusive properties?

In between their laughter and muffled giggles, Kenyans are happy that the parental authority has taken appropriate steps to ensure that at some point in their lifetimes, they will get to enjoy what these foreigners come for. Yeah, and they will probably have to save for decades.

Meanwhile, the parental authority has dismissed all rumours that it is planning to make a killing of the upcoming Africa-US Summit by pulling all known and unknown public relations stunts to prove to Kenyans back home, through live television interviews, how the world cannot move without the parental authority’s input and output, even as it is slowly becoming kaput.

“You cannot call a bloated delegation comprising cronies, hangers-on, idlers, general joyriders, maybe a few journalists, those from mainstream media included, and the occasional relatives and their relatives’ relatives a public relations stunt,” a parental authority mouthpiece said. “They are just going to inject a little of taxpayers’ money in to the US economy and any other places in the West where they will make random stopovers.”

Yeah, and prove to the world that Kenya is a superpower that believes its own hype.