Blogging plan flops before its gets started, so there goes my 2015

I may not be a prophet but I can tell the mood in the country is ripe for lynching a blogger. All those planning to carry signs reading ‘Je Suis Charlie’ in this country may be forced to wave placards condemning me if my cruel plan succeeds.

They lynched Jesus and he was not a blogger. This goes to show that for a mob baying for blood, any excuse will do.

For you see, these are the people currently minting millions in this country. If your neighbour is a blogger, you would attest to the fact that these guys are swimming in cash.

“No way can I waste precious time tap tappin bonyeza’*#%#*#, I choose to update my blog instead. Kucheza na maneno pays more,” one was heard bragging. Obviously the guy was drunk.

On top of all that, they seem to attract the most beautiful girls, shape opinions on topical issues, get paid handsomely to colour enemies of their masters bad and most of all, blogging is easier than discovering a mobile application.

And I don’t intend to begin a deadbeat kind of platform, no way, I leave that to the insensitive who cannot come up with anything better than compounding the misery of the Kenyan boy-child.

My idea is a platform that will be the voice of the unheard. A stage to accommodate gays and prostitutes. They too need to contribute to the big national debate in spite of the sexual orientation.

I mean, in a country where pimps, peddlers and MPigs are sitting in Parliament making laws, should we not allow participation of this ‘special group’ citizens to deliberate on matters concerning the welfare of their members.

They too pay taxes and therefore should be represented in the budgeting exercise. What they need is a strong blog to lobby for their rights and that is where ‘Yes for Homos and Prostitutes Expo (HYPE) comes in.

If you want all the votes from midnight madams, you talk to me. If you need our organization to support your course, a ‘donation’ to HYPE might just do the trick.

And the icing on the cake of course is that all the holier than thou closeted perverts will have nowhere to hide once we start hounding them. And when business is slow, we shall extort our clients.

People will type HYPE just to see which big fish was caught pants down the night before. Of course victims will pay an arm and a leg to have their pictures along with our girl (and in some cases ‘boy’) pulled down before the country wakes up to see for themselves.

Otherwise videos of them eating the forbidden fruit will be viewed by their wives and constituents and in the case of bishops, their congregants.

Now, I want someone to tell me this won’t work. It’s the best idea I ever came up with in my entire life.

“That’s the worst idea you ever had in your entire life,” Michelle told me. I cannot understand this woman. Every time I wanted to try something, she said it would not succeed which turned out to be the case more often than not.

“Don’t curse me with your evil mouth Michelle, telling me how disastrous this will end for me,” I warned her. “Let me get surprised this time,” I begged.

She just gave me a don’t-say-I-didn’t-warn-you look and continued chatting on her phone. NKT! She really was expecting that I was consulting for advice from one who uses thumbs to type? I am wiser than that.

I am determined to make this issue work but first, I have to enlist my army of extortionists. I dress shadily in the evening and head to a prostitution hotspot in the city. I strolled towards a pair of girls who looked as though they are expecting a pick up. All I needed was to explain that I was setting up a platform to facilitate their business.

“What do you mean Mzee Kipara?” the shorter of the two called out in greeting.

“Sort of lay down structures to maximise on profits and open new avenues for generating income by use of a blog,” I was saying.

Even before I finished, council Askaris appeared from the blues and arrested me. The charge was soliciting against the law.

But we can let you go if you ‘donate’ a little something to redeem your freedom.

Shaken down for a donation even before I opened my extortion racket. This world is not fair.