In a few days, one of the most important global events will once again take over our eyes, minds and our sanity -- the World Cup is finally here. I must say that Russia as a location does not excite me as much as Rio did but it sure sounds better than Doha.
Over time, our menfolk have allowed themselves to operate under the misguided notion that the World Cup is just for the lads and the boys. What they do not know is that women have caught on and have found ways of taking advantage of the opportunities that the World Cup offers.
The World Cup offers women the opportunity to upgrade critical household electronics, namely the TV and the home theatre. No matter how much a man might enjoy the pub other times of the year, when it comes to the World Cup, he needs to make arrangements to watch some matches at home. For him to enjoy the oohs and aahs of the game, he must invest in a TV which has the right dimensions and sound effects.
A good TV must also be supported by the right sound system, one that causes certain body parts to palpitate, shiver and tremor. The net effect of these investments is overall improvement of the general ambience of the household and once the World Cup is over, this equipment can be used to watch soap operas and to earn bragging rights during Chama meetings. So, women have learnt not to make too much of a fuss about the World Cup since they are the ultimate beneficiaries of equipment purchases.
One of the pluses about this World Cup is that Russia and Kenya are in the same time zone. So women will no longer have to put up with their men waking up in the middle of the night to watch games, or with funny sounds from the local pub at the wee hours of the morning.
This means that the women will receive real time benefits from the outcomes of the matches. For example, if the man’s team loses the game, he will need tender consolation, which can be best provided by his woman at home.
If his team wins, the same man will need an avenue to exhale and celebrate - with the ideal avenue being one that leads him to the cul-de-sac of pleasure. Whichever way you look at it, women will be the ultimate beneficiaries and I think that some women will get more action in one month than what they usually get all year round.
Women who are looking to bring forth young ones into the world are advised to take advantage of this month for there is no better month than the World Cup season to aim for the right goals.
Another benefit of the World Cup is that women have an opportunity to feast their eyes on some good looking bodies. Truth be told, footballers do rock some good bodies - chiselled abs, tight behinds and very strong legs that come in all shades and colours. Since the world has become a global village, we have a lot more to work with from vanilla to caramel, from marshmallow to dark ebony.
Just like our men, we shall be waiting for the goals, for we know with every goal scored shirts will go up and we will feast our eyes on God’s wondrous works. Who can forget the World Cup final when all players take off their shirts and some get teary weepy? Men may not know this, but it is quite exciting to see a man who is in touch with his feelings and who is happy to take off his shirt to prove it. So bring on the goals, and bring on the bodies - for we love them dearly.
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Over time, women have come to realise the love of football (whether real or fake) can open doors to men’s hearts and in many cases their bodies. For some strange reason, men find it easy to trust women who can regurgitate facts on goal-scoring tallies and quickly distinguish red from yellow card and those who can tell referees and linesmen apart.
I also hear that certain women have learnt the art of fusing statistics with football and reap big benefits in new fad of gambling. While this path is not recommended, women of the right age and with right knowledge and risk appetite can make some money next month.
So, for one month women will have a wide array of football topics to choose from so they can engage any man at whatever level of for whatever use. Russia World Cup is not a reason for anyone to become a football widow - t his is the time to love, make love and be loved in the name of football.