Who do I pick? Wealthy man or the man I love?

The topic:

I am 29 and working in a law firm and currently in two relationships with men who are from totally different worlds. One of them is a matatu driver who is rough and sometimes very tough and protective of me. He also smokes and drinks a lot but I guess I am in love with him. My family is quite well off and they would never accept such a man into the family. The other man is married and we have been together for slightly less than two years. He does everything a man does for a woman he likes including paying for my rent and upkeep. His wife found out about us and she was enraged by all this. She confronted us and even threatened me. After this, he is serious on making me his second wife. I love the first man but think that my children will have a better life and future with the other one but he is married and can only make me his second wife. I don't know what to do.

{Mary K}

What the readers say:

I thought you said you work in a law firm, how again do you want a man who will provide for your kids? What you are looking for is not love but financial dependence which you cannot get from a married man. Why not work your way up financial independence instead of waiting for someone to help you achieve it?

{Aseri Dick}

Mary you are implying that the world has only these two types of men. I encourage you to look far and wide and you will realise that there are many good men out there for you to pick. However you are both aware of the fact that he is married and that his wife will not take this lying down. You should expect a lot of trouble from her.

{Tasma Saka}

I understand matatu drives to be womanisers and don't understand how a successful lady like you can be involved with one. Also about the married man, do you know his HIV status? Imagine you were his first wife then another woman comes into the picture, how would you feel? Leave both of these men and find a decent single man to settle down with. None of these men will give you a happy marriage and each one of them will have distinctly different issues.

{Onyango Outha}

Simon says:

Mary you are mixing things up here and it is unfortunate that you don't know what is good for you at this moment. Here you are caught up between 2 men one who is arrogant and pushy but a hustler while the other rich and nice man is married. It seems you are inclined towards the married man because in your own words "you think your children will have a better future with him." I have difficulty believing this to be true and as a matter of fact I think things could be just the opposite of what you think.

There is no such thing as a good life for a woman who is convinced to get married as a second wife. You will have to deal with his first wife as a daily nightmare and these things are always ugly. Further, you say he is financially stable and he is supporting you quite well. Well, this is for now and it is not an indicator and guarantee of how things will be in future. Bear in mind that his responsibilities will increase should this fall through and this will most certainly put a strain on his finances. I can also assure you that his wife will make it harder and harder for him to support you. The support you are conveniently enjoying is short lived and may only last as long as your relationship with him is not solidified.

When it comes to marriage, money contributes to some degree of happiness in the family but it is not everything. There are more important things that money cannot buy and these include peace of mind and a guilt free conscience. Try and imagine how the world will judge you as a second wife; a home breaker, a woman who couldn't find a man of her own, a gold digger, the other woman – yes these are just some of the profiles you will acquire in your pursuit for a better life for your children. They will not be spared either since the profiles branded on you will be linked to them. I can tell you that it is better to have a man of your own and struggle through life than share a rich one with another woman because the struggles are not only many in nature but also complex and intense in nature. The trauma you, your children and the other family will go through because of this arrangement you are preparing is unprecedented and it is just not necessary. For polygamous marriages, they should be entertained only when they cannot be avoided.

Boke says:

Dear Mary, I am glad you also can clearly see through the situation you're in. We all at one time or another knowing or unknowingly get ourselves in messy situations. This could be the situation you have found yourself in.

Chances are that you never gave much thought to any of these men at the beginning of these relationships (pardon my use of plural) You didn't quite envisage these relationships getting to this defining moment. Most likely, that's why you went ahead to commit to a second relationship while you were already in another. This could have been your own way of 'filling in' the gaps from each relationship. Unfortunately this doesn't work in a relationship geared towards marriage. While marriage is a liaison based on compromises, we only compromise to the extent that we are comfortable. This is because no one person can have all the qualities we require and to the levels we want.

You now do not know what to do because none among the two is a worthy compromise and you're not comfortable with any one of them.

When we find someone we are very comfortable with, rarely does the public opinion bother us. It is not just your family that will be uncomfortable with your choice, you too are already uncomfortable with him. As for the married man, deep down your heart you do not want to be a second wife. With this understanding, None of them is suitable for you unless you have a way of dimming the beaming red lights.