Single wives and absentee fathers

If you thought loneliness would automatically end after the magical ‘I do’, think again. Shirley Genga discovered that some women, although married, are lonely and have to solely raise their families

It is often wrongly assumed that single girls are the loneliest bunch of people around and that marriage is the perfect cure.

Too many, marriage is a safe haven, a place of permanent companionship, but that is not often the case.

Wives today are finding themselves doing literally everything on their own. They build their careers; hold down the home front and singlehandedly raise their children, except for Sunday afternoons when daddy swoops in like a super hero to take the family out.

Such wives, therefore, find themselves with the title ‘Mrs’ yet live like a single woman — lonely and suffering quietly.

Jennifer Musau, a businesswoman says when she got married seven years ago, she had been naïve.

“I thought we would do everything together. Our first year was good. We enjoyed each other’s company but something changed after I gave birth to our first child. He began to withdraw from me and by the time we had our second child, I had lost him to his friends and his job,” she says.

 Jenifer says she now does everything for her children. She is both mother and father to her son and daughter. She says apart from providing financially, her husband is like a silent partner because he is never around.

“He comes home late and leaves early in the morning. On weekends, I often have to beg him to spend time with the children instead of his friends, but he usually is available for them only on Sunday after church. So, while my children least get some of his time, I get nothing. When I try to explain to him to come home early or to schedule an evening for the two of us, it’s like I am talking to a rock,” she says.

Home alone

Jennifer confesses to being bitter and angry at first, but she has had to find a way to cope for the sake of her children.

 Ruth Kuria, a wedding planner, is another woman who although married says she is very lonely.

  “My husband and I got married last year in February and it has been a very lonely journey for me. I often feel like I am the only person who got married because my husband still behaves like a bachelor. He is never around. He is always busy at work or with friends. He never makes time for me except on Sunday when we go to church where we meet his family. I constantly find myself home alone,” she says.

Having witnessed her mother’s loneliness because her father was never around, Roseline Otieno, a business woman, resorted to unorthodox means to ensure her husband would be around.

Culture shock

 “Although I know how to drive and can afford to buy a car, I do not have one. My husband does not know this and thus is forced to pick me up from work and the children from school. This ensures we all spend time together as a family,” she explains.

 According to Simon Anyona, a counsellor, the current state of marriage — where men seem to be running away from home — is as a result of culture shock.

“The current generation of husbands was raised by absentee dads who left everything to their wives. These men used to come home late and were never involved in anything to do with children. While the context in the times of our fathers allowed for that kind of set up, the current context is different, with people being more aware of the need for both parents to participate in the family set up. Women have also taken up demanding jobs so they expect their husbands to give a hand in raising the family,” he explains.

Genuine friendship

Simon also attributes this change to women being highly aware of their rights and the need for shared responsibility.

  “A high level of education and awareness is good but when it is turned into aggression, the man who feels threatened, thus he gets ‘other’ things to do like staying out drinking and watching football with the boys. Most feel insecure or unwelcome at home but feel safe and comfortable with their friends,” he explains.

 On the other hand, Naomi James, a counselling psychologist, believes that the trend can be attributed to a number of things, the first being a lack of genuine friendship between couples before they marriage.

“Some couples never took the time to develop a friendship between themselves before they got married. Couples today get married when they can barely sit down for ten minutes and enjoy a conversation. It is only after they get married that they realise they have nothing to say to each other. As a result, men begin to do everything they can to avoid being alone with their wives,” she explains.

Financial support

  Another reason, she says, can be attributed to the fact that some men refuse to embrace their new roles as husbands and fathers.

   “There are men who simply refuse to grow up. They refuse to change their bachelor ways even after they get married. They still want to go out and drink or stay out until very late, never considering the effect their behaviour might have on their families. They assume their only responsibility is financial. This often leads to resentment from the wife who is forced to bear the burden of raising the family alone.”

  Naomi, however, says some men are not to blame, as they never saw their own fathers take a hands-on approach on anything concerning the family except provide financial support.

    “Some men have confessed to me that they want to be good fathers and dependable husbands but don’t know how,” she explains.

   Naomi says counselling and mentorship can help in navigating the important roles in a family. She further advises couples to build strong friendships before they get married.