Of snooty USIU students and their fake accents

 Chaps I grew together with going to USIU for one semester and, all of a sudden, ‘water’ is ‘wora’ and Oh my God’ is ‘omagaaaar’

USIU chaps act like when they go to the loo, gold comes from their bums. They act like they share classes with Taylor Swift and study on diamond-encrusted desks and their seat cushions are made of skin harvested from koalas.

I met a few friends of mine who attend USIU at a joint in Westlands the other day, over a drink. Foremost, I didn’t even want to go to Westlands (I hate Westlands), but they insisted because, apparently, that’s where all the “cool kids” hang out nowadays.

So I tagged along because I didn’t want to be a party pooper (everybody hates party poopers). And then, when the waiter came for our orders, I said “Tusker” and they all looked at me like I had just emerged from a rock in the Philippines. They didn’t say anything, but the stink of judgment they were emitting could be felt all the way in Nandi Parbat.

They ordered fancy cocktail drinks and mojitos and drank from tall glasses, containing these really tiny umbrellas that the girls couldn’t stop licking (is one even supposed to do that? Lick those things? What do I know, I come from the hood.)

When they started talking, I could barely keep up with the conversation because they kept throwing in words I only hear American kids use in frat movies.

Like, this one girl, said, “This Fall has been so bad to me. Out with it, let the Spring come in.” And I remember rolling my eyes so hard I could almost see the back of my head. Apparently, you see the way us – normal people who go to normal universities – have Semester 1 and Semester 2 and Semester 3?

Well, the very nice chaps at USIU with their umbrellas sticking out of their glasses have Fall and Spring and Summer. And when I said I eat at the school mess, they asked me what the hell that was. Like I had just mentioned the name of some endangered flower specie.

But, perhaps, the thing that stung me most was the accents. Chaps I went to school with and grew together with going to USIU for one semester and, all of a sudden, ‘water’ is ‘wora’ and Oh my God’ is ‘omagaaaar’. What nonsense! For crying out loud, can one person...just one person in USIU speak normally? Can one person just speak like they’re from Meru and not pretend like they go for holidays in Atlanta?

Dear USIU students, stop the presence; quit trying too hard; watch ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’ but don’t pick up the accents; put down those fake Louis Vuitton glasses and just be normal Kenyan campus students.

And I know there are lots foreign students in USIU but this is for the thousands of Kenyan students there trying to act like they’re in the States just because their school has a U.S in the name, wake up, goddamn it. You’re still very much on Kenyan soil.

Act like it.