Weathermen in trouble over lies and inaccurate forecasts

Following numerous complaints from Kenyans over lies and inaccurate forecasts, the weathermen have come out to apologise and announce a raft of measures to enable them give more accurate predictions.

“We are really sorry. We know we have been giving wrong predictions and at times lying by telling Kenyans that it will rain cats and dogs.

Many have waited to see the animals fall from the sky in vain! We are humans, and man is to error, you know,” said a remorseful Vako Mafuriko, National Meteorological Department communications officer.

He added that in this day and age when Kenyans have developed a penchant for litigation, they fear that they will soon be sued. 

In the same press conference, at a Nairobi hotel, an expert consulting for the Government department announced radical changes that will see the weathermen improve their predictions.

He said that following steep budget cuts by the parent ministry, the National Meteorological Department has instituted measures to trim operational costs, but still provide accurate weather predictions.

Among the changes envisaged include removing the roofs from the National Meteorological Department headquarters so that the office staff can work in open air.

This, it’s argued, will put the staff in a better position to accurately report and foretell the weather.

In situations where it will be impossible to dismantle the roofs, office employees will be encouraged to work outdoors more often to ensure they predict the weather faster and more accurately.

Envisaged changes

“For example they will be able to tell when the rainy season is starting, when the rain actually starts falling and their documents get wet,” said Maende Leo, the change expert who has been hired by the State body to advise on the areas needing reform.

Senior employees will work from offices with large windows through which they can look outside and immediately tell what the weather is like.

Staff at the National Meteorological Department will also be required to wear light clothing at all times so that they can feel any slight changes in temperature.

“When the employees start shivering we will know it’s the cold season and this will save a lot of money that would otherwise have been spent on expensive equipment,” added Maende.

The State body is also said to be planning to change the hiring policy to allow for recruiting of practicing nudists, since they will have an advantage over clothed employees when it comes to telling when the weather has changed from hot to cold and vice versa.

The weathermen also plan to expand their scope to keenly observe the political scene. “This will improve the organisation’s capabilities in forecasting the political temperatures across the country,” explained the change expert.

If the envisaged changes are successfully implemented, farmers can look forward to more accurate weather forecasts. This will make the planning of their planting and harvesting much easier.

The reforms at the met department will also help hawkers, in that they will be better able to predict when to stock up on umbrellas and sell them at extortionist prices.

Matatus will also be able to predict when to double or triple their fares due to the rain especially in crowded cities like Nairobi.

Also set to reap from the developments are maize smugglers, hoarders and politically connected importers who will now also be able to predict when they can take advantage of drought to make insane profits selling maize at exorbitant prices to starving people.

“Politicians will also be able to predict the muddy season well in advance and this will help them forecast the best time to sling mud at each other,” chimed in Maende in conclusion.