demystifying the 'ghost worker' riddle

[Photo: file]

The axe is about to descend on the Civil Service. Kenya’s bloated, largely useless civil service is finally getting serious attention from the bean counters, and word out there is that the exercise will be brutal.

But it comes not a moment too soon, and one hopes that the political will is sustained to see the exercise through. The President last year changed the structure of governance, collapsing the number of government ministries from an astonishing 44 to a far more nimble 18.

Each ministry, of course, had a retinue of tea boys and messengers that are now surplus to requirements. Truth be told, they were surplus even in the old structure, and were only in place because their political godfathers wanted a ready source of votes from the employees’ home areas.

 

needs restructuring

The story is told of a now-deceased former Cabinet minister who went to villages in Western Kenya hiring anyone he could find. These people largely lacked any serious skills, and most ended up as cooks and watchmen in government ministries in Nairobi.

The Civil Service as a whole, however, badly needs restructuring. Corrupt, inept, and filled with nepotism from top to bottom, wananchi will be hoping that when the axe falls, it falls ruthlessly. For a small country of just a few million people, we have way too much bureaucracy and inefficiency in the public sector.

When those civil servants are axed, they will need to either start small businesses – most of which will fail within a few months – or find jobs in the private sector. And for this, they will need to attend job interviews, those terrifying ordeals that reduce job seekers to quivering blobs of nervous wrecks.

 

tangible skills

Here, then, is the ultimate guide to the private sector job interview for those who will have fallen by the wayside when the Civil Service axe falls. First, arrive early for the interview. This is not the Civil Service, where you could show up at the office at 11am, and proceed straight into the cafeteria for tea.

While at it, there is no tea or coffee here. This is the private sector, where everything is paid for. Drink your tea before you leave home. Second, dress like a serious person. The Civil Service is full of walking dust cupboards with 10-year-old jackets and skirts shiny from overuse.

It is common to see a civil servant with show heels so worn away on one side that he is literally in danger of keeling over.

And it is not for want of cash, since civil servants are among the wealthiest Kenyans anywhere.

Private sector employers require real, tangible skills.

You cannot get by merely by knowing someone, so retrenched civil servants would be well-advised to invest in a little training.

 

This should include training in the English language, which is the primary language of business in the formal private sector. Babbling away in mother tongue like some deranged tribalist is best left for your own home. Bribing interviewers is considerably difficult in the private sector, unlike the case in the public sector.

Former civil servants will therefore need to actually perform well in their interviews, some of which be written and might involve passing an aptitude test.

Civil servants are therefore advised to brush up on knowledge in the fields in which they are allegedly experts – as we know, most know less than nothing.

And, finally, for the very few lucky enough to find jobs in the private sector, do your job! Unlike the public service, the private sector does not hesitate to sack lazy or otherwise unproductive employees. Good luck!