The Standard Group Plc is a multi-media organization with investments in media
platforms spanning newspaper print
operations, television, radio broadcasting, digital and online services. The
Standard Group is recognized as a
leading multi-media house in Kenya with a key influence in matters of national and
international interest.
Last week(end) at the Goethe Institute, we as PEN hosted Ambassador Ifeoma Akabogu-Chinbwa of Nigeria, alongside academic and artist Elizabeth Orchardson-Mazrui. I gifted lady ambassador my 2012 novella ‘Princess Adhis’ after she had graciously gifted me her poetry book ‘Africa Romance.’ (2013).
In my wannabe fantasies, I can see myself swapping diplomatic papers with Putin in the Kremlin ... but back in reality, I saw the smooth face of Her Excellency crease a bit at the ‘Naija Brodas’ bit of the title of my novella. ‘Everything okay?’ I inquired. And because diplomats are honest folks send abroad to spread dishonesties about their country, the lady smiled and gave me the all clear.
Let’s be clear here. Of course the ‘Naijo Brodas’ in my book are funny, drug-dealing wannabes, not that all ogas are BAD in the same way not all rasta smoke bhang, aye?
But there is some common plan, some unkind wags may say ‘conman plan’ that is very wannabe displayed by some ogas, and that is even shared with certain Wannabes in the Nairobi population.
First of all, don’t be those wannabes who like to talk very BIG and LOUD in public places. Leave that behavior to matatu squaddies screaming for passengers, and malayas in Maringo wrangling for a customer. Who cuts a major deal on the road by shrieking into a mobile phone?
That is a fake wannabe! Real deals are cut quietly in the corners of hotels (or else in petrol stations in the dead of night)! Secondly, an oga always has a very strong opinion on everything, even when the wannabe has no clue what is being discussed. ‘Am telling you, o o o,’ the fool will say the moment they arrive in the middle of conversation.
Do not talk authoritatively about things like LAPSSET and how ‘M7 chujad UK with mpango wa kando wa Tanzania, Miss Makifuli’ on the railway deal, yet you have no idea who the sponsors of this project are. Wewe si David Ndii.
If you don’t know or cannot fit into the level of conversation flowing on a table, just be quiet and stick to your lane, hoping that the topic of Vera Sidika’s butt size will crop up, pun up, so you can contribute.
Be considerate of your neighbours, and don’t be that awfully insufferable wannabe jirani. The ogas are never embarrassed about throwing out their flimsily dressed ‘Shiro’ chipo funga out of the flat at six thirty in the morning, yet that is when Mama Louisa is taking little Louisa to go catch the nursery school bus. Who wants to be asked by a five-year-old – ‘Mummy, mbona huyo mtu hana nguo?’
The truthful answer would be – ‘Shiro is a harlot so she has to dress in ‘tarty’ clothes that show off her nyonyos coz some wannabes can’t just resist Tuzo.’ Instead, she says, ‘Baby, huyo msichana anasikia joto.’ Then little Louisa says: ‘Joto? But you told me to wear a sweater because it is cold.’
Then there are the wannabe ogas who are always ambushing women on staircases and around the corners, with offers that if these women, whom Mukei wrote about, ‘show them their particulars,’ then they will let them ‘chop their more knee.’ More often, than not, this is a con.
Anyway, I am old school (although not ‘ancient school’ like my Bamba 60 buddy, Aenia Bolingo) and I think it is very wannabe to waylay women on the stairs or ambush them as they leave the ladies’ loo.
Surely, there must be more manly manners to get a much-wanted phone number, ama?
