Folks, enough of the overexposure on social media

 The different types of social media Photo: Courtesy

I have a friend in real life, one of the very few, who I have not met for almost a year. As a matter of fact, we have not even spoken with, let’s call him John, for that period of time, or even longer but I always feel as if I see him everyday. I not only know what he had for lunch yesterday, but also the time he had lunch, what he wore, the time he went to bed, and several other activities he was engaged in.

Also, I know what he will be doing this next week — I guess he is on leave — and when he will sit his examinations. Of course, I know that he is studying aviation via correspondence, and yes, I saw his certificate which he received upon completing another correspondence course, which I trust must have been in catering, as in cooking, a few months ago.

Ideally, I know ninety nine per cent of the activities John engages in, and even the people he meets, and to some extent even what they discuss and when their next meeting will be and the venue it will be held. I know all these things because John loves to keep in touch with, and to update, all his friends and even strangers of everything in his life through new media platforms.

Social media it is called. John lives his life on social media, and I never call him because I just need to log in to Facebook, and Voila! all his life will be there, right before me, and at the fraction of the cost of a call. Life is cheap, I tell you.

Long gone are the days when I could have had to call John, just to find out how he is doing. Or place a call to him, and discover that he is out of network area and then start worrying what could have happened to him. I know John has a child — and I knew even when the one week old foetus kicked in her mother’s womb, and its progress thereafter, and I even knew when it was born for John informed us, together with photos, when it was just a few seconds old.

A few hours later, John walked out of the labour ward, and there was photographic proof all the way till they reached home...We know pretty much about John’s baby and even how he behaved during his birthday, where the bash was held. Oh, whenever it falls sick, we are told.

Long gone are the days when a doctor used to be called when a child was unwell. Nowadays, when a child falls sick, the first port of call is social media platforms. Doctors must be feeling unwanted. Also, pregnant mothers used to visit clinics or some place of the sort, but nowadays, when they feel a little kick here, or somewhat nauseated, they just go to social media and after a few likes and comments here and there, their problems just go away. Until the next time when their partners go out with them, and the photographs of the evening, and of him talking to the baby start streaming.

I do not even miss seeing John. Nowadays, I just log on to Facebook and find out everything that he has done, what he has not done or what he is planning to do, and with who and where, and how and why. Save for a little hiccup here and there when a traffic police officer is refusing to listen to him, or is plainly harassing him even when he did not commit any infraction, his life is just perfect.

John, my real life friend, one of the very few, is not the only Kenyan who lives his perfect life on social media platforms. We are many. So very many — from all sectors of governance and economy, that I sometimes wonder if suffering Kenyans are just a myth.

The other day, Kenya’s cybersphere was awash with photos of parents and their children who were going to sit their national examinations. All the good things were written about these children and the only vibes we got were positive ones.

Results will be out in a month’s time, and I want to guess their parents will not shy away from social media when their results are under par, or when they are cancelled because it was discovered that they cheated.

 I also want to trust that those parents who post photos of their teenage daughters on social media sites will take to the same platforms and inform the world that her daughter’s boyfriend just posted her nudes on another site or that she got arrested for stabbing her boyfriend when they were fighting over a bottle of Guarana (beer).

Those of us who post those of our sons should also never shy away from informing our friends when our end up on the wrong side of the law. For those of us who have partners who have borne them children — which they are not sure are theirs — like my friend John, it would be nice if they also took to social media sites to inform the world when they have been locked out of the house because they forgot to buy a packet of Dunhill Switch — or because he forgot to post her photo on Facebook or forgot to declare his undying love for her, on Facebook of course.

While you are still living on social media sites, just go the whole hog and tell the world everything — including aspects of your miserable sex life and how henpecked you are.