The Local: Kang'ethe stumbles into a kesha for beer

Kang’ethe no longer attends church after he embarrassed himself, mankind and his family one Easter in the year the Central Bank of Kenya introduced the kobole.

It so happened that Kang’ethe had knelt, but doubled his face forward due to a killer hangover as the entire church recited the Hail Mary by heart.

With his butt extended outwards, Kang’ethe hardly felt the explosive fart escape from his backside and reverberate throughout the church.

The priest in charge, Fr Richard Clay, who once told the congregation “usisumbue Father Jumatatu atakua amelala usiku na msichana,” shot Kang’ethe one of those deadly stares that said he will go to the hottest part of hell when alcoholism finally gets the better of his liver.

It was weeks later that the faithful learnt that Fr Richard meant atakua amelala usiku na mchana! but the damage had already been done as was Kang’ethe’s reputation after kushuta kwa kanisa wakati wa maombi.

Kang’ethe inadvertently renewed his acquaintance with church one Saturday when he left the local bado nikiwa na kiu but heard some nice sounding blues music coming from what the onywaji in his head told him was an open pub, on his way home. It was full.

So, he ambled in and demanded in a very loud voice, “Nataka White Cap mbili zinatoa jasho!”

The ‘pub’ went dead quiet. The music was gone. “Ongeza volume ya muziki nataka kutingisha kiuno!,” the entire ‘pub’ stared at him in horror. It was only a few minutes later that he felt very warm hands and a Bible slapping his head as a pastor and his henchmen began praying for him, while others spoke in tongues.

Kang’ethe had stumbled into a kesha. The choir had gone silent. There was no blues music. The pastor who introduced himself as Mchungaji Ndugu something Kang’ethe’s head can’t recall, read from the book of Ephesians 5:18: “And be not drunk with wine, where in excess; but be filled with the Spirit!”

The rest of the church responded in unison: “Yes, Jesus! Save him!” Kang’ethe tried explaining that he had only drunk some spirit in line with the last word in that verse from kitabu cha Waefeso, but pastor Mchungaji Ndugu flipped to Proverbs 31:6: “Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish!” upon which Kang’ethe chewed a blackout.