Corrupt public official without Swiss bank account turned into laughing stock

The country is still reeling in shock after it was reported that a former city hall official who is suspected of corruption stashed the proceeds of his alleged crooked dealings in local banks and the local property market. That he has no Swiss bank account has shocked his fellow thieves and Kenyans alike. Many parents are reportedly considering withdrawing their children from the schools the man attended for providing him with a substandard education that never introduced him to money laundering havens.

Blame Witchcraft

“Where did the man go to school that he’s never heard of Switzerland or British Jersey Islands or the Cayman Islands?” posed one parent. “Sad... very sad... it must be the free primary education.” So angry were Kenyans that even a politician wandered into the debate.

“He should have come to me for advice,” offered the politician. “I’m not walking free despite decades-long suspicion of corruption for nothing!” His family is not amused either. They blame witchcraft for confusing the man into stashing and investing his ill-gotten millions locally in the full glare of jealous people.

It also did not go unnoticed that no evangelical or pentecostal church offered to ‘place hands’ and pray for him in the full glare of the media cameras.

Even corruption networks were so disappointed in the man none of them has come out to defend him.

The most disappointed lot though were his felllow crooks.

Money-laundering Havens

“We should have conducted a more thorough background check on him before engaging with him... we thought we knew what he was doing but big mistake!” revealed a soon-to-be former associate. “Personally I will never do business with him again... in fact I deleted his number last week.”

And Kenyans are not just taking it lying down. Some have even started collecting signatures to sign a petition to compel the man to apologise to the whole country for exposing Kenyans to such ridicule.

“We have lost our credibility in the Corruption Sophistication rankings because of this guy... it will take a long time to repair our image in the list of countries with the most sopisticated ways when it comes to stealing public funds... all because of this dude,” said one of the petition inititiave organisers.

Local drug dealers too have offered to teach him a thing or two on how to clean dirty money.

Others have offered to buy him a globe like the one used in schools so that he can learn more about the world outside Kenya.

Most of the country is also wondering why the man didn’t bother to hire another a crook in a tie who speaks the Queen’s English, say a lawyer, to advise him especially when his wealth started growing too rapidly.

And to cash in on the situation the Head of Delegation to Kenya for the Money Laundering Countries Union (MLCU) has vowed to conduct awareness campaigns for anyone with dirty money to hide.

This will ensure their loot will be out of reach from snooping Kenyans who are just jealous of such wealth because they have not even a single coin of stolen public funds to their name.

“In this day and age we can’t have anyone facing the prospects of going to jail or his assets being seized just because of a few corrupt deals here and there when our status as money laundering havens still exist,” said the MLCU Head of Delegation.

“Let us ensure that in future no Kenyan who wishes to steal public funds will be deterred by fear of getting discovered when he stashes his loot locally!”