Jubilee's earnest search for truth plunges from sewer drains to Prezzo's flight path

This is a follow-up to the narrative about the Jubilee administration that I started last week, and what I thought, rather foolishly I should concede, qualified me for instant State goodies, like a plum position at a State parastatal.

But since you and I do not enjoy political patronage –my guka was not rich enough to afford choppers to lend to campaigning politicians – such a prospect is proving quite remote.

So I shall do a Kalonzo, which means invoke the words the Wiper boss made this past week in renouncing any intent to work for the Government. For those who missed the news, Kalonzo Musyoka was on TV swearing by the gods of his village, or wherever it is they reside – that he would rather die than serve in the Jubilee Government and compromise his principles.

Not that any offer had been made in the first place; he was simply stating that his principles, which remained unspoken, would not sit well with him if he was co-opted into such a government.

Never mind that Wiperman spearheaded that botched shuttle diplomacy to circumvent the International Criminal Court proceedings from taking off, before he saw the light and sneered at the efforts as wishful thinking.

I am invoking Kalonzo's words so that I may declare my own aversion to serving in the Jubilee administration.

The reason is simple: I want to be on the right side of history. I know there are those of us consumed by the resentment of missing out on plum positions, and so will fail to realise many appointments were made to boards of parastatals that had been considered obsolete and due for dissolution.

Still, I have nothing but admiration for Jubilee. They must be commended for their vision for this country, especially their commitment to creating employment for vulnerable members of society, like old men well past their prime.

You see, those are the folks who retired decades ago and would be considered obsolete in the job market. That sounds like a perfect explanation for Prezzo's actions. Obsolete jobs for obsolete men who would be consigned to homes for the elderly in developed nations.

But we know better. Our African socialism persuades us to take care of the elderly, so we create positions commensurate with their age.

I'm certain more jobs will open up when a probe is commissioned, for it is inevitable, as happens in every sector of our Government, that an inquiry into a public issue necessitates another inquiry. That's the depth of our commitment to the truth. We must get to the bottom of the matter.

So it is only a matter of time before a probe into how moribund State parastatals on the brink of dissolution received personnel with new contracts is set up. That, at a minimum, should create several dozen new jobs.

If you think I'm bluffing, you just need to read what has been happening this week. A probe has been initiated by the Senate over the events surrounding Prezzo UK's still-born trip to the United States, where I hear some 1,300 Kenyans had been waiting for his address for days, after travelling from all over America, just to see their leader and hear his voice.

And Prezzo did not disappoint when he discovered their fierce fervour, he remembered his credentials as a digital President and filed his dispatch.

The less said about Prezzo's botched journey the better, more so because that could prejudice the work of the Senate. They must get to the bottom of the matter and demonstrate to the world that, contrary to what some are insinuating, we are not a banana republic, or that the festering matatu culture has permeated in our air space.

To illustrate our sophistry, yet another probe has been initiated to look into the sudden flooding of major roads in the city. Fancy that! We are so committed to excellence, even sewer drains and vents are taken with the seriousness of a national catastrophe.

So if you see men in long coats, presumably white for visibility, on our roads, they shall be mapping out all blocked drains and sewer vents to ensure when the rain clouds gather, motorists shall not be in panic about getting swept off by tides of pee and poo.