How do I make a choice between my two men?

I’ve been with my boyfriend since I was 19. I find him quite boring. He doesn’t really drink or like going out

Dear Coleen

I’m 27 and I have feelings for two very different men. I’ve been with my boyfriend since I was 19. He’s lovely and reliable but I find him quite boring. He doesn’t really drink or like going out, and he rarely makes me laugh.

When we started going out, I was very overweight and had low self-esteem. I’d never really had a boyfriend and he was so kind and told me he loved me just as I was. Since we’ve been together, I’ve lost a lot of weight, got a job I love and made lots of new friends. It feels like I’ve outgrown him, but I can’t bear the thought of hurting him because he’s like my best friend.

His mum died two years ago, as well, and it devastated him. He keeps saying he wants us to get married when we have enough money, but I keep putting him off because I’m not sure that is what I really want.

Now I’ve met a man at work and I think I love him, too. He’s the complete opposite of my boyfriend. He’s a bit of a player, very flirty, very good looking and lots of fun. We kissed a few times on work nights out and then we started sleeping together.

He knows I have a boyfriend and he wants me to leave him. But I’m scared of hurting my boyfriend and I’m also worried that things might not work out with this new guy and I’ll be alone. I love them both in very different ways. What advice would you give me?

Coleen says

To be completely honest, I think you’ve totally outgrown your first boyfriend. I’m sure you do love him but it’s not enough to keep you happy for the rest of your life and it sounds more like a pity love, or a friendship love, rather than a real, passionate, long-lasting love.

And while the thought of breaking someone’s heart is terrible, it’s even worse to drag him along and live a lie.

If you carry on going out with him, you’ll probably eventually get married and have children, and then you’ll be breaking even more hearts. So be strong and end it. I won’t lie to you – it will be really tough and it will break his heart. It’ll be awful for a while but he will get over it.

And that’s a far better scenario than for him to find out you’re cheating on him. A word of warning though – be prepared for things not to work out with the new guy. And if this happens, don’t go running back to your first boyfriend. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the excitement and fun of this new guy, but he does sound like a bit of a player so don’t be surprised if it doesn’t work out.

However, I still think you should end it with your first boyfriend before things get messy. Please don’t feel bad – most people outgrow their first loves and this is what has happened to you.