Forget romance, friendship is the new love story

Friendships are the new love stories (Photo: iStock)

Finding true friendship is often described as rare, but when it happens, it carries the depth and familiarity of something long-lived.

These bonds are built on shared values, trust and intention, and for many people, friendships grow into chosen families or even soulmates in a platonic sense.

For Sheila Nyakerario, friendship has become the anchor of her life. Over the past two years, the 29-year-old has chosen to invest deeply in her friendships, spending time on dates filled with long conversations, quiet companionship, and shared experiences. When life becomes overwhelming, she finds comfort not in solitude, but in the presence of a friend.

Sheila recalls times when her friends paid hospital bills, stayed with her when she was sick, and comforted her when she lost her father.

“When one of us has a problem, we want to be close to them. They have come through for me several times,” she says.

In her view, current society values friendships more than romantic relationships. She gives an example of how painful it feels when a long-term friendship ends, compared to how easily people walk away from romantic partners.

“With friends, people ask questions without ego. We rarely hear of a friend killing another because of a feud. Even marriages are no longer valued the way her parents valued them,” she says.

Friendships are bound by trust and a lack of the need for perfection. And through the way her friends treat her, her standards in romance are high.

“You cannot come into my life as a partner and treat me less than how my friends do,” she states.

While she insists that romantic relationships and friendships can coexist, she has chosen friendships over romance more than once. There was a time she almost broke up with a partner because of a friend, adding that friendships do not demand constant communication the way romantic relationships do.

“A few years ago, I would talk about romantic relationships, but now I talk about friendships more. I still want romantic love, but I value friendships so much, too,” she says.

While finding love has been likened to discovering a precious gem, 21-year-old Gloria Bridget feels the same about friendships. Still, she does not place friendships and romantic relationships equally; friendships are more important to her.

“I used to prioritise romantic relationships, but I learnt not to. I have disagreed with my friends, and we mended things, but with a romantic partner, it may end,” she says.

Gloria admits she generalised people as friends, only to realise some of them were one-sided, while others viewed her as a friend without her knowing so.

In one of her friendships, she recalls how she gifted expensive perfumes and thoughtful gestures until she noticed that her friend was not as thoughtful in her gifting as she was. These days, she enjoys friendships that are experiential, such as ice cream dates, skating, go-karting, sip-and-paint sessions, picnics, trying new restaurants, and creating social media reels.

“My friendships are intentional, and all our needs should be met. My friends support my career and growth, and they lift my mood when I feel down,” she expresses.

Unlike Sheila, she feels society still prioritises romantic love. Valentine’s Day is taken seriously, while Galentine’s Day is not, and she believes a soulmate can be found in a friend.

“A friend can love you so fully that you forget the need for a romantic relationship. A lot of people are single because they have true friends who show them love,” she says.

Valary Nyambadhi’s friendships are filled with fun, advice, encouragement, and celebration of each other’s birthdays. The 24-year-old values her friendships with her girls more than her relationship with her man. She says that what she could not get in romance, like trust, honesty and loyalty, she got from her best friend.

She cannot remember exactly when her friendships began. They started in school, helping each other, and they bonded over time.

“It took me years to find a best friend, and I got a trusted one. If I offend my friend, she lovingly tells me,” she says.

She resolves conflicts with her friends better than she does with a boyfriend. And when it comes to opening up, it is much easier with a friend, too.

Valary describes friendship breakups as painful, and going through that six years ago caused her to break down. Upon self-reflecting, she found out that she gave too much and expected the same in return, and she has learnt to give without expectation and to befriend those who share her values.

Kingsley Oluoko, 25, got a wake-up call when he witnessed the intentional relationship his sister has with her friends. He now approaches his friendships by checking in, going for nature walks, and being vulnerable.  

When he lost his job last year, his friends were there to offer encouragement and emotional support. One friend would send him money monthly from his salary, helped with shopping, and guided him in the direction he should take in his career until he found a job. 

“My friendships thrive since we all value them. I had instances where I would invest in a friendship without reciprocity, and I didn’t want to let it go. Holding on caused more harm, and while it didn’t work out, at least I tried,” he recalls.

Kingsley holds both romantic relationships and friendships with fond regard, although he is keen not to make his romantic partner feel replaced.

“I prioritise my partner before my friendships. My friends understand this since they also treasure their homes before friendships.  The two also don’t compete for my time and resources,” he says.

He also shares that he has unique experiences between these two kinds of relationships. For instance, he has seen empathy in friendships.

Social media posts also show people going on picnics, holding group outings, gifting flowers, celebrating their friends’ wins, going on vacations, and going on dates with their friends.

Sociologist Dr Kiemo Karatu says that while friendships were always valuable, these days, people enjoy and celebrate their bonds more. He explains that friendships thrive because the bonds were created and nurtured for many years, like in school, churches, and so on.

His daughter visited her friend’s family during the December holidays, and all their parents attended the celebration. 

“Friendships provide a network of support. I think how people treat it is valid,” he says.