Watchmen should learn to shoot, not march

I caught a glimpse of security guards undergoing training in a football field last week and it was clear things were not going according to script.

The trainer, it was obvious, had once been a soldier or policeman and he was re-enacting skills that he learnt on a parade ground maybe 20 years ago.

He would yell, “Right turn!” but everyone would turn left. The reaction to certain commands was so hilariously out of sync that I feared he would never succeed in teaching those men and women how to whistle.

But have we ever asked ourselves why we think security guards (it is impolite to call them watchmen) must march and salute like soldiers? Just how useful is saluting to their work? Why do we even imagine that yelling “left! right!” at them in a football pitch for one weekend will turn them into soldiers?

We are such jokers, you know.

Those men and women who were being taught to march in a football pitch last weekend have probably been deployed to guard supermarkets, homes, maybe even banks as you read this.

Unfortunately, the criminals attacking supermarkets, banks and homes are not boy scouts, but seasoned thugs who could be the real deal – ex police.

They are armed, dangerous and have no qualms about killing. But the person we expect to stop them is some poor guy who was learning how to march last weekend!

Because I am not a robber and have never been wrestled down by a security guard, I don’t know whether anyone bothers to teach them martial arts. Not that karate is effective against armed hoodlums anyway. There is a vast difference between Jackie Chan movies and real life.

But we all know the security guards are no march for thugs. That is why banks, supermarkets and the guys who escort cash hire armed police officers.

As things stand, the most a security guard can do is police law abiding citizens. We should, therefore, stop pretending that they can ‘guard security,’ that they are ‘sojas’ and acknowledge them for what they truly are – excellent receptionists.

So instead of wasting their time teaching them how to march and salute, let’s teach them how to smile and be helpful to visitors, which they are, most of the time.

Maybe we could also throw in a few courses on how to flee across the fence, or lie low because frankly, I consider it foolish for any security guard to confront armed thugs. The peanuts we pay them are not worth dying for.

I know folks who employ Maasai watchmen. The logic here is that being former morans, the Maasais have the skills to fight. What nonsense! True, a Maasai is lethal in a fight to fend off cattle raiders armed with spears, but his moran skills are worth zero in urban warfare where the ‘men’ carry guns.

It never amazes me how Nairobians pay big dowry, have lovely kids, house them in an incredible house, carry them around in a tough car, but hand over their security to a guy who earns Sh5,000 monthly.