Women who pride in paying their dowry price

KENYA: Stories have been told of women who boost their social image by writing love letters to themselves. Others buy and send themselves gifts, delivered in the office. The game has been taken a notch higher, with some women now paying their own dowry.

For almost a year and a half, Erick Mwatela became a guest of the Coast General Hospital. He literally spent most of his nights and days at the mortuary to guard his wife’s dead body. Since March last year, Mwatela had been shuttling between the hospital and Mombasa law court where he has constantly been battling with his father in-law — mzee Munga, over his rights to bury his wife.

At some point, just when he was leaving the mortuary, his father in-law — with a court order in hand — literary snatched the body from him and took it back to the mortuary. The case was heard and the magistrate ruled in favour of Mwatela.

However, that was the beginning of a long-winded legal circus. His father in-law challenged the ruling in high court and just when Mwatela was picking up the body for burial, he was shocked with yet another court order stopping everything.

Munga claimed he had no idea that his daughter was married. Mijikenda traditions, which mzee Munga strictly adheres to, dictate that a man only be given rights over his wife — alive or dead — after he pays dowry. Thus, to him, Mwatela, an alleged dowry defaulter, was a stranger and he was not going to allow him to bury his daughter in a “strange” place.

This, perhaps, explains how much premium is placed on dowry in most African cultures. Ordinarily, African men are required to pay dowry. With modernity, the goods given for dowry have changed from strictly livestock, to other material goods and in other cases, it’s paid in monetary form.

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However, tables seem to have turned, and it’s women paying their own dowry, albeit secretly. What could make an African woman — and a Kenyan in particular— to pay her dowry? Could this be a scam that elders are yet to put a finger on? Or these women are insanely in love that they would do anything — including paying own dowry — to keep their marriages? These are some of the questions many people must be asking themselves.

Livestock

Ngome is a lucky man. When he married his wife, elders — from his side and his wife’s side — met and negotiated the dowry. Negotiators from both sides, besides the livestock and other material goods agreed, reached a consensus of Sh400,000 “token” to be paid to his wife’s parents. Ngome sweet-talked his wife and made her understand that she was not a property he was buying. He further explained to her that they had become one and she also had a stake in the marriage.

 “As much as I was willing to pay the cash, I was not in a position to pay within the time given. I was struggling with our child’s school fees and setting up my consultancy firm. My wife, out of love, understood me and to save my face from the embarrassment, paid the outstanding balance of Sh250,000 on my behalf, ” said Ngome.

Ngome further justifies his actions by saying that he had taken his wife to college and luckily, she had landed a big job. And helping him pay dowry was one way of reciprocating her husband’s love. However, Ngome is quick to add that his wife’s parents never knew that she actually paid her own dowry, it remains a top secret.

Nick’s fiancée, on the other hand, had gotten a green card and lived in the United States of America. Nick, considering his financial circumstances then, could neither afford a wedding nor paying dowry.

Worried of her fiancé being taken by another woman or perhaps cheating on her, Nick’s fiancée planned and financed their wedding in which Nick’s only responsibility was to show up and walk her down the isle!

And as if that was enough, she paid her dowry to her parents back in Kenya. During a phone interview — from his base in the United States of America — with this writer, Nick revealed that he got a job and they are happily married; and sees no problem with his wife having paid her own dowry.

“Some cultural practices we cling on are good, but unfortunately, there many poor men who just can’t afford some of the material goods and cash Women parents demand. In the process, they have fallen victims to these outdated practices and some marriages have fallen apart, just because a husband cannot afford dowry,” he said.
Nick, adds that he sees no problem with a woman from a well to do family helping a broke man — he intends to live with forever — settling the “small matter” of dowry.
“Dowry is a small matter and shouldn’t be mandatory. What happens to that poor man whose in-laws demand a fortune from? Such men should not marry?” poses Nick.
Kitula, confesses to being from a humble background. He says he got married seven years ago and admits his wife funded their wedding. As much as he would have loved to pay for it, he just couldn’t afford it.
His wife is from a relatively wealthy family. Kitula says that he has dowry arrears, which he pays in bits. He says his wife desperately wanted a wedding but he could not afford the kind of wedding she wanted.
Fund the wedding
“As much as I feel less of a man, I had no option but to let her single-handedly fund the wedding. My wife wanted a wedding at a time when I had no money. When I told her money was the problem, she was quick to counter by offering to fund it.
I had no option but to give in, albeit on one condition; create an impression that I paid for the wedding,” he said.
Janet confessed of having helped her husband pay part of her dowry. She says she fell in love with her husband who was still in college and three years younger than her. As time went by, her husband proposed to her, but unfortunately, her parents were against the marriage.
“My folks didn’t like my husband because he was jobless and were also uncomfortable with his humble background, fearing he was not going to add value to our family,” says Janet.
She adds that she believe she is not alone and there many other women who have helped husbands pay dowry, but it’s just that they never talk about it publicly. She further dispels the notion that such women are the so-called ‘left-over women’ and desperate for marriage.
“Most women who do so have valid reasons. For myself, I really love my man that I had to chip in and assist him to appease my parents who had disapproved of him,” she said.    
Wangare, says a woman paying her own dowry is a sub culture practiced in some Kenyan communities, for instance, among the Kambas and Kikuyus. She says it’s permitted in circumstances where a single mother whose husband passed on or separated  and had, unfortunately, not paid dowry.
“Among the Kikuyus, if a single mother whose husband had dowry arrears wants to receive dowry for her daughter, she had to pay her own before receiving her daughter’s,” says Wangare.
She further adds that dowry is just a gesture of bringing together the two families  and proving their commitment to one another. To her, either the husband or wife can pay, depending on their financial circumstances.
Prof Paul Achola, a marriage counselor and a sociologist at Kenyatta University warns against commercialisation of bride price. He says we are where we are — women paying their own dowry — because of commercialisation of dowry. He is against the idea of money being used to pay dowry. He maintains that to give the ceremony the respect it deserves, livestock that is valued by the woman’s family — be they goats, camels or cows — should be used.
“In African society, livestock — which has a central place — is mandatory because they have a way of multiplying and increasing the wealth of the woman’s family. Paying bride price in money form waters down the whole concept of dowry.
Spells doom
“Converting bride price into money, in essence, is tantamount to placing a price tag on the woman. And a man who pays dowry in cash, will not stop imagining that he bought the woman and thus, treat her as his property, which should not be the case,” he said.
The professor discourages women from paying their own bride price for, according to him, it is selling oneself short.
“The moment a woman pays her bride price, she spells doom to her marriage. By so doing, one renders herself desperate and becomes a slave of sorts to her husband in future, when other variable and dynamic come at play such as children. Such women subject themselves to unnecessary pressure of solely making the marriage successful.
“In the event of a small dispute, which is inevitable in any normal marriage, the man will use it against her and make her feel more responsible and susceptible to depression. Paying one’s bride price has a boomerang effect on the woman,” warns the marriage counselor.
He concludes that as much as there must be a few variations and changes in the modern marriages, bride price has a central place and men should pay it, no matter what, even if it means delaying or paying in bits.