Seven ways women follow to heaven
By Tony M
Sister magazine Crazy Monday editor Benson Riungu — who is a character straight out of his own paper — asked a question the other Monday.
After stating that "women are more prudent managers of resources than men, hence the success of banks like Equity and Grameen", Riungu took out the rungu and hit the nail on the head by noting: "but when it comes to sects and cults with harebrained religious messages, women are the most gullible."
Pointing out that the most feverish, indeed fainting swoons at the ‘resurrection that never was’ services in Nakuru were women, Riungu wanted to know "what explains this Jekyll and Hyde nature of our womenfolk?"
To solve such deep mysteries that the women would love to hide, you need a jerk like me.
First of all, you need to embrace what the Buddha said — there are seven steps on the way to Nirvana. Nirvana has other names, like Narnia and Eden. But since only children (below the age of 12) can get to Narnia, and men to Nirvana, women (starting with Eve) having gotten us thrown out of Eden through temptation, have figured out seven separate steps to heaven, all roads passing through the church.
A- the first road is called "You will never walk alone!"
Of all things the ladies fear, loneliness is right at the top of the list, and since women aren’t made for too many recreations, church becomes to some what a bar is to us. A place for solace and comfort — and mass misery or misery mass.
It is not by mistake that the loser club, Liverpool, shares this slogan of ‘never walking alone.’ As for Johnnie Walker, when we stagger on it but the slogan says ‘keep walking,’ isn’t that like being enjoyed? Just a thought.
B- is for Bible, the second step to heaven. Let’s face it fair and square — many Kenyans don’t enjoy reading. In fact, for the vast majority of those KCSE kids who got results this week, Abbot will be the last text they ever read in their lifetime — other than the weekend newspapers.
So many Bible-thumping Kenyans, especially women, imagine they are intellectuals when they are quoting, nay spewing, ‘Nehemiah’ or some other prophet at you. They mistake cramming some Bible verses for being clever!
C- is for Company in the church, which is an extension of rule ‘A.’ Women often find themselves at loggerheads with their secular pals, thinking them hubby-stealers at worst, or envious at best.
Enter the church, and suddenly there is this entire network of ‘good friends’, the sort you cannot get at work, or even at the chama. And while a woman will take her man’s advice with a pinch of salt, these church pals’ ‘wisdom’ will be ‘eaten’ like crumbs falling off the Bread of Life.
D- the fourth step, is for Devil and evil. For some reason, women find it that much harder than guys to accept that, often, really bad things happen to good folk.
It must be something that they, or some ancestor hath done, to invoke the ‘generational curse’ or something as irrational as a jealous neighbour looking at them with ‘green eyes’.
Is it any wonder, then, that in the Mediaeval Ages, more women caused mass mayhem through mass devil hysteria — leading to ‘witches’ being burnt at the stake?
E- Ego and Entertainment. This is the easiest one to understand. Church makes woman feel important, as if she has a cosmic cause in the universe. Throw in a few unscrupulous preachers with ‘unique messages from the Divine’ and the lady, however fine in mind, is hooked. If you don’t believe me, take another long look at Esther Arunga.
As for entertainment, if Tony M takes to the dance floor or stage, and grooves like a manic, he’s taken too much Smirnoff. But if Milly G strips to the waist and gyrates like a lunatic, while shouting incoherent statements like ‘riswaaaa’ in a Nakuru church compound, she’s been seized by the ‘Holy Spirit’.
F,G- Sixth and seventh is ‘F’ for ‘faith’ and ‘G’ for ‘good.’ Women have the capacity for high fidelity, so if they find it hard to be dedicated to a man, Jesus becomes the One. Every woman, however wicked, in her heart, believes she’s God’s little angel. And, hey, Mary was not a baby momma.
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