Why is it so hard for me to just relax around people?

Unpleasant people will put you down, but mostly, you’re probably misinterpreting innocent remarks (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris!

I constantly worry that I’m not smart enough or the wrong shape and fret about all sorts of things people say. All of which makes it hard for me to make friends or try new experiences. Am I overreacting?

Over-Sensitive

Chris says,

Hi Over-Sensitive!

Yes, you sound over-sensitive, and that isn’t all downside, because it makes you more empathetic. But it also means that you worry endlessly about criticism or rejection. And unpleasant people will put you down, but mostly, you’re probably misinterpreting innocent remarks. So when someone says something upsetting, try asking them what they meant. Often, you’ll find they weren’t being critical at all. Try also to notice areas where you consistently over-react, so that in future you can see things more objectively.

Your fear of rejection can also make you insecure, needy and jealous within friendships and leads you to damage new relationships by trying to become too serious too soon. And makes you reluctant to meet new people. 

But holding back will just make your fears stronger, while if you face up to them, they’ll gradually fade away. So make lots of low-key social approaches to other people, and tell yourself each time that it’s just practice, which is exactly what it is! Because practice is the key to overcoming this kind of fear. So each time, imagine a successful ending and just go for it.

Improve your chances by making every approach relaxed and casual. And allow your relationships to develop slowly. Learn to pick up your companion’s body language and facial expressions. Are you getting encouraging smiles and nods? Is their posture open and inviting? Does it feel like they want to continue the conversation? Because if they’re showing signs of enjoying your company, then any invitations you extend will probably be received well.

Which means you’ll hardly ever be rejected, because you’ll only ask when you’re sure the answer will be ‘Yes!’ And as your skills improve, that will happen more often. You’ll feel more confident and will enjoy your friendships more. And your anxieties will gradually fade away.

All the best,

Chris