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10 qualities of a perfect wife
By Ted Malanda | Updated Jul 17, 2017 at 15:00 EAT
Woman cooking
They say the beautiful ones are not yet born, but that is a big, fat, white lie. Along the ridges and valleys of the land are women who were born in a very special way and raised into perfect wives. Here is how to be like them:1. Love thy evil mother-in-law ​Nine out of ten times, the women who bore the man you got married to are psychos who believe you are ugliest, laziest and dirtiest creature that ever lived and that their sons saved you and your entire clan from malnutrition and eternal poverty. Love them and stomach their bitchy daughters till your dying days.2. See no evil, hear no evilIf your husband is in the habit of breaking wind, snoring like a tractor and belching like a misfiring engine, hold your peace. If he comes at midnight reeking of Bint el Sudan perfume with a louse and cockroach in his underpants, kiss him.3. Behave like a Baba/Uhuru sycophantGranted, the loser you married is a spineless, mean spirited, brainless twit who can't see beyond his nose and thinks jabbing you in the ribs and saying "Wewe, pinduka" is sufficient foreplay.His hobby is foraging in his nostrils and scratching his nether regions in public. Whatever. Pretend you are Michelle Obama and he is your Barack.4. Let him go forth and multiplyIn the event that the kamisi-wearing barmaid at his local somehow ignores all the fine male specimens in the county and settles for your wheezing boo, arrange to meet her and seduce her into becoming your co-wife.You need a helper with the snores, farts, smelly socks and two second trysts.5. Allow him to playMost bad wives are in the habit of trying to turn their men into wealthy creatures. Nothing is more annoying. Let him booze all his cash, save zero, invest in air and not have a plot or a house.What is the big deal? As the Holy book says, we come into the world with nothing and shall depart with nothing.6. Forget about me timeRemember that scaly-legged creature who lies in state the whole weekend is your sole purpose for living. Spend all your life cooking and cleaning after him. Shower him with love, although all he does is grunt, give you the back and breaks the Richter scale with his snores.7. Let him go to hellMen generally love to break many of the Ten Commandments. A lovely wife should allow her man to sin and respect his right to go to hell. Whatever you do, don't drag the poor fellow to church. He will be bored stiff, plus hangovers and the church choir don't go well together.8. Dress like a queen for your dirty booHave you ever seen baby girls being forced to bathe? Boys hate water and your man is no different. Given a chance, he would bathe once a week and wear the same clothes for days. Don't nag him.Ensure to dress to kill, in sexy underwear and lovely clothes all the time. Above all, resist the urge to burn his torn underwear or convert his faded shirts into floor mops.9. Flu killsWomen are not aware of this this, but a cold is the most dangerous affliction that affects the male species. It is more painful than cancer or a broken leg.When your man catches a cold, convert your house into a high dependency unit and sit by bedside loving feeding him on chicken soup and mopping his face with a cold towel.10. Death will never do you partWe all know that throughout your marriage, there is always another woman warming up on the bench and doing squats to firm up her silly behind, in preparation to take up your place.Should you, God forbid, drop dead, she will replace you in hours. But should your husband die, even if you are barely 20, remain put and take care of his mother. It would help if you got saved to silence your loins forever.

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