Don’t lie, just tell your wife where you’re hiding with mpango

 [Photo: Courtesy]

Last week, there were two disappearances.

One ended up as a questionable death, while the other person was found alive and got away with a barrage of insults and memes.

Kenya is one of the most dangerous countries in the world and going missing or mute for few hours could be misconstrued as death or abduction.

Abductions, cold-blooded murders, extra-judicial killings, spiking of drinks, accidents and random fights have ended peoples’ lives in unlikely times and places.

Despite these risks, there are married people who still let momentary pettiness to get in the way of better judgement. Adulthood is a painfully childish affair. When some men quarrel with their wives, they use that as an excuse to disappear with their clande. 

“We are not in talking terms with the mama” is a common opening line that a good number of women hate. Often, men mean it when they say that they are not in talking terms with the wife.

Men can be petty, dismissive and egotistical. Many are the women who sleep alone on their big beds on Friday and Saturday nights, while their husbands have a time of their lives with mistresses.

Many women cry themselves to sleep, praying for the souls of their demon-possessed husbands, that they be kept safe from the many malevolent spirits in Nairobi.

Women can be patient.They can put up with so much crap from men to safeguard marriages that men care little about. It is rude to let the mother of your children call you a million times and send you endless messages without responding. This is one area men should be called out on to grow up.

A lot can go wrong in a marriage. Wives have a way of becoming rude and whining so much to the extent of driving their men nuts. They can choose to be very unwelcoming. Sometimes they cook nasty stuff; ugali-cabbage, or rice-ndengu.

Not surprisingly, men don’t look forward to supper in their homes. When a man staggers to his drunk, some wives can be so contemptible, yet what the man needs at the time is to be left alone to nurse his hangover in peace. 

That’s why some men would rather go somewhere, or to someone more peaceful when they are drunk.

Nonetheless, it is wise to let your wife have a rough idea where you are. Telling her that you are in Thika, only for you to die in an accident in Kitengela will leave an aftertaste.

You would think any 26-year-old will be smart enough to know how to lie.  Here are the simple rules:

No matter how much you loathe your wife, have some respect for her. Tell her where you will be and what you will be doing. Even if you have to lie, lie in such a way that even if you were to be busted, it will not be embarrassing.

If you are somewhere on Thika Road, just say that. You don’t have to be specific. Just let her know that in the event you go missing, she will know where to start. If you think you will stay longer than is necessary, prepare her mentally.

Assure her that you will be safe so that she can sleep safe and sound.

Imagine if you worked in Hurlingham and lied to wifey that you are in office, only to become a victim of a terrorist attack in Dusit. She wouldn’t be bothered when news of the attack stream in, until several days later when she will start the traumatic journey of looking for you at City Mortuary.

Listen up guys, if you are married or dating, have the courtesy of telling your better half about your whereabouts. Even at the worst of times, just text them and let them know where you are and that you are safe. It helps if you can give a timeline on when you should be expected home. You are adults, not children.

Most women have had to pick their husbands from compromising situations. Most men have lost their lives by being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Wives and children then have to live with indignity.

But if you inform them about your whereabouts, then they don’t have to struggle to come up with a plausible cover up story.

@nyanchwani

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