You think of all the missed opportunities, all those times you could have made a difference but didn't
Then you realize that, despite your deepest wishes and prayers, the situation may not turn out as you are praying it does
When you are lying on the cold, hard floor for more than 12 hours, listening to loud reports of guns you only thought existed in movies echo across the area, leaving the impression that the shooter is right outside your door; you have a lot of time to think.
Your terror-filled thoughts oscillate between prayers to wishes, to regrets, to your loved ones and complete resigning to fate, then back again in that order. You pray that God lets you live to see another day.
You make promises that suddenly seem doable. You promise to change your ways for Him, to appreciate life more, you even promise to make a burnt offering of a spotless lamb if that's what He wants.
Anything not to face these heartless monsters unleashing mindless terror a few meters from where you lie.
You wish you had done all those things you keep procrastinating about.
That business idea you keep shelving, spending time with your loved ones and friends because 'life is busy', the self-improvement project you know will definitely improve your life but you just can't find time to launch it.
The dusty to-do-list in your head suddenly comes to focus and you wonder where time went. You think of all the missed opportunities, all those times you could have made a difference but didn't, the most important things in life that you took for granted and regret takes over.
You think of all your loved ones and what they must be going through. You imagine your mom breaking down and her feet giving way. Your dad trying against all wits to remain the strong one.
Even when he tells you "calm down and look for a place to hide," you still hear the tremor in his voice. Your life partner tries to calm you down too but they too are far from calm.
The possibility of your planned future being cut short is too much. Your siblings don't hide their raw panic as you feel the fear in their voices. You try to imagine how each will handle whatever outcome of the current situation and wish they didn't have to go through it.
Then you realize that, despite your deepest wishes and prayers, the situation may not turn out as you are praying it does. The bad guys might make their way to where you are.
Lying on the floor with nowhere to hide. The glass exterior of your office giving away all your efforts to hide. You imagine how an index-finger-sized bullet would feel like. Will you feel the pain or is the impact so swift you only see darkness?
How long will you be conscious to feel the moment? You hope they don't see you because you are so many of you on that floor and you know, you have always been a tiny human being. lol. It all plays in your head. All those possibilities.
Then you go back to praying and wishing and the rest of the never-ending cycle.You then realize how fickle life is, and that YOLO is more than just a chant for party goers.
For everyone that reached out, that spared time to pray, asanteni sana. May God richly reward you. To all the survivors, we have another shot at life. Those who lost loved ones, may God's divine consolation envelop you and may His grace be sufficient.
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