Valentine’s Day guide for a campus student budget

There are only two things a man dreads in this world. One, the face your mother puts on, without necessarily saying a word, when you've messed up and a whopping is almost certainly on the horizon.

Second is Valentine's Day. They (white folk) lie to us that it's lovers' day when it's really just a day set aside for every girl/woman to exercise their inner demons.

And so for us bachelors and single folk, we'll probably just stay in the house that day drinking beer or playing FIFA, finishing up on assignments and looking forward to Champion's League football matches, which will be starting that night. But for you comrades in relationships, here are a few tips to stay within your meager Helb budget this Valentines.

1. Cheap flowers/wine. Buy the cheapest flowers you can find by the roadside between now and that fateful day, a bottle of wine as well. The flower could be as cheap as 50 bob and the wine just Sh400, don't let it worry you, just pick it up.

A campus girl hasn't figured out what she wants yet, she most definitely doesn't know anything about flowers or wine. When you give them to her, make such a big deal of it she feels guilty you spent so much on the lovely presents.

2. Romantic walk. Drag the girl out of the classroom and take her for something as simple as a long quiet walk around the university compound; through the parks and by the libraries and lecture halls.

Hold her hand, look into her eyes, tell her you love her more than you love Calculus, do all that stupid lovey-dovey stuff you lovers do. And then at the end of the day, take her to your resident local and for once buy her a nice meal of ugali-matumbo or nyama instead of your usual chapo-madondo.

3. 'Netflix and Chill.' If I were dating a slim campus girl with a tiny waist and round eyes and soft hands, this is what I would do. In campus, it's no secret that we don't have money to blow, yet. So she should be satisfied with just staying indoors and watching a 50 bob movie. Imax for who?

4. Take flight. Of course there's always the option of coming up with some ridiculous reason to break up with her two days to Valentines. Or, if you can withstand it, just switch off your phone and resurface two weeks later with some ridiculous excuse like you were kidnapped by man-eaters who took you to the depths of Congo forest and tried to boil your balls for dinner but Black Panther showed up from nowhere and saved you.

There. Now you guys can't say I only bash people on this column and never help, sindio? Good. Now go ye who have faith. Happy Valentine's Day comrades.