10 things you will experience before New Year

It is the season to make merry, engage in all manner of debauchery and decadence.

After all, 2017 comes to an end after a whole year of mind-numbing elections and it’s only proper that we forget the political dust for the dinner table with friends, family and not a few foes, sharing roast goat ribs washed down with frothy liquids and prayers. 

But one thing is for certain. Few people celebrate  December festivities like Kenyans do. Here are 10 things you will experience before New Year’s Day:

1. Unavukia mwaka wapi?

New Year is not a holiday. It isn’t even an event. For most Kenyans, New Year is time to say a fervent goodbye to an otherwise nasty year and the question “unavukai mwaka wapi?” is never too far away from most lips.

2. Tumekuja na private

There are two types of prodigal sons in the village during December. There are those who use the wrecked country bus with a small gunia on their backs, showing up when the whole village is dead asleep and those who arrive at the last minute so that they can brag; “Sisi tunakuja na private!” before pulling up with ceremonial fanfare of a state function, refusing to dim the lights even with barking dogs waking up the area chief.

3. Wageni wa Nairobi

Besides Easter and the odd funeral, December is the other time of the  year when the rural home is scrubbed, and bucolic nephews and nieces oiled with Arimi’s and lined up to greet wageni wa Nairobi before sitting wide-eyed, listening to stories about the wonders of  SGR.

4. Wapi mshikaji?

Parents take advantage of holidays to remind their single children that they’re aspiring grandparents. So questions go like “Wapi yule rafiki yako ulituletea Easter?” And then you will have to figure out how ‘slay queen’ translates in vernacular.

5. I was just about to call you

Everyone uses this line twice as much during the holidays. Most of those phone calls follow the same basic pattern, ending with a request for funds, or a reminder that you promised to chafua the entire village with kanywaji.

6. Unakula nini huko Nairobi?

Since you haven’t been home since last December, chances are this is the first time your family is seeing you (outside Instagram). Most Kenyans will comment about your weight with “umekuwa mkubwa!” (as if it’s a crime), glancing repeatedly at your waistline. They will be the first to point out that your hairline has receded  slightly, or that mbele iko sawa. What are you eating in that your Nairobi? Potatoes, you say. It has to be the potatoes.

7. Tuma na ya kutoa

There is a joke that there are two kinds of people; those who send Sh527 and those who send Sh530. But there is a third kind, those who send exactly Sh500. With phone networks about to experience delays due to the collective weight of money being sent shags its only prudent to avoid being reminded “Tuma pia na ya kutoa.”

8. Mushene 24/7

Family gatherings are not without gossip pegged on who was impregnated by the prison warden, to who lost the elections and his marriage as well. All these from that pleasant aunt who knows everything about everyone and is not afraid to unleash her 4-1-1 when high like a kite! 

9. December shopping

 Shopping during festivities can today be prepared on Microsoft Excel so that you don’t forget unga ya ngano for the aunt in 8 above.  This shopping also stars totos especially the strong ones for ferrying bulging carrier bags containing everything from 10 litres of cooking oil to a fattened goat and new lesos for the friends of the aunt in 8 above.

10. Acha niende hivi na come

Part of the appeal of the holidays is that we get to interact with family members we only hear about in passing. Unfortunately, this is also the biggest challenge. Eventually, small talk runs out, and occasionally saying “Aki?” or “Eeeh” stops being enough to sustain a conversation.

One of the quickest ways to get out of an awkward meeting is to raise a finger and say “Acha niende hivi nacome” before disappering!