Can mothers save the 'doomed' institution of marriage?

By Njambi Mungai

Stuck in the massive gridlock of a traffic jam this morning, I chanced on a morning conversation in a mainstream radio station. Unlike many other topics usually featured in the station, this one did not make me squirm in discomfort or wish for the well-worn matatu seat to swallow me up. This topic made me think long and hard, contemplating on the sad state of morality in our society.

In this particular subject, the situation that married women are going through was highlighted. That married women are okay with their husbands cheating on them to the point of even talking to the mistresses...others even exchanging tips on how to treat the man.

More women called the station and shared their stories and they seem to have accepted their fate:  that they will be cheated on and lied to. Most of these women have children, so I will address the mothers.

Mothers are heaven sent; they are armored angels with the ability to avert disasters. They are the pillars that support their homes; they are the best source of inspiration, motivation and advice. Mothers make the world go around. We salute you, all of you.

I write as a 25-year-old lady, not yet married but who is getting scared of the idea of marriage with each day that passes and confused by what it means to be a woman.

Every time I encounter stories of women putting up with their cheating husbands I raise an eyebrow. Every time a mother tells me she is okay with her husband getting intimate with another woman I raise both eyebrows. And I wonder, is this the fate that awaits us once we get married? Will there come a time when I will be okay with my husband cheating?

Setting an example

You see this is the example mothers are setting for the young ones. That the girls should be okay with being one of many women in the life of the man you swore your love to in front of God and a bunch of relatives you didn't even know existed.

They are in effect saying that as a woman, society expects you to bear the pain and suffering and not even think of walking away. That is what society defines as a good wife. That you are expected to cook, clean, love a man that you know damn well is not true to you.

The boy child on the other hand will grow up knowing that it is okay to cheat, it is okay to stray and expect the woman to stay with him after all, his mother stayed with his father. A vicious cycle is created and it continues

Staying for the kids

Mothers constantly justify their situation with kids. Many say are staying in a broken marriage because of the children. But I ask, don’t the kids suffer more when they grow up in an environment where papa cheats, beats, argues with mama every single time?

I mean sure, the kids will be well fed and educated, but have the parents thought about the long-term effects on the children. While mothers think they are protecting their kids, they are setting the stage for a myriad of problems that will face the children later in life.

What happens to the kids when the mother is bed ridden with diseases brought about by the cheating husband? What happens to the kids when the mother passes away from HIV or stress related illness? How then does that help the kids?

Call me naive but i have always grown up thinking that if a man does not treat you right, if a man beats you up, if a man cheats on you, you should pack your things and leave. I have grown up thinking that the strength of a woman should enable her to be able to start a fresh, to take care of herself and most importantly, to love herself. I have grown up thinking that Marriage is until death do you part but marriage should not be the reason for your death.

But each day I see different, I hear different. Each day I visualize marriage as a form of slavery and the chains get heavier with every heartbreaking story I hear. Society is quick to say that the western culture is tearing our moral fabric....but society itself is doing most of the tearing. Condemning women who leave their cheating abusive husbands, applauding those who stay and not even raising a finger to the guilty men.

Mother have sacrificed their lives for their children, taught them to walk, talk, eat, pray. They have guided them on how to dress, condemned them for drinking or smoking, educated them and pretty much prepared them for life. But if they cant show their girls by example that it is not okay to put up with an abusive cheating man, they have failed their girls. If they cannot show their boys that it is not okay for a man to mistreat and cheat on a woman, they have failed them.

Good character is like good soup, it starts at home.  And while mothers try to please society or themselves by staying in such relationships, they should remember that kids are like sponges, absorbing everything around them, watching everything their parents do.

Maybe I am wrong to visualize mothers as super-humans who can do absolutely anything they set their heart to, but it is that superhuman strength I am appealing to. Mothers, the young girls and boys are watching, we need you to stop this vicious cycle. We need you to have that strength to walk away and start a new, to draw a line at what a woman should not be subjected to.

We need our mothers to save us, to change our twisted view of marriage.

Njambi Mungai is residing in Kenya. She runs her blog at njambiemungai.com/wordpress