These cops can either genuinely help you or steal from you

Cops. They are feared. Loathed. Loved. Admired. Frowned upon. All this depends on which side of the law you swear by, where you live and which jalopi you drive. See, for guys who live in slums, they fear cops since they are always in running battles with them. For guys of Kilimani, the cops treat them in the most honourable way. They are buddies and theirs is a ”scratch your back, scratch mine...”

Here are the 10 types of police officers you will meet at the station, road block or who will at one point arrest you, extort from you or genuinely help you. 

1 Money bags

These are cops who are wealthy. They own tens of Ongata Rongai matatus that operate with impunity. They own lorries that aren’t insured and only transport sand at night. They own the estate pub that has never been shut down since the pandemic led to a lock down. They are never in the station and when summoned by the OCPD, they will turn up dusty since they were busy supervising loading of cut stones in their quarry. The bosses love them because  they always have a few thousands for tea. Being a cop is a side hustle since their main business is making money. 

 

2 Miss Pretty

She is a fresh Kiganjo graduate who passed her exams by the sheer brightness of her smile. A sway of her hips gets her the juiciest police duty and she can never be transferred to a hardship area. Her boss fears her because last week, she was in Malindi with the OCS. She turns up to work whenever she wants and never lasts in a station. Her dream destination is a big office at Vigilance House or Jogoo House A, but she soon falls pregnant and the bosses dump her, terming her ‘too old and fatty.’

3 Mr Pastor

This is the cop who bears the AK-47 in one arm and the Bible in the other. One side of the brain is filled with laws of Kenya and the other side is filled with Bible chapters. He preaches during his off days and when called upon to pray during functions where the local MP and police bosses attend, he will issue lengthy and fiery prayers, directing holy missiles at the corrupt politicians, bribe-obsessed cops and ‘evil eye’ police bosses.

4. Drunk and disorderly

He has seen the worst in human beings and the horrors of being a cop. He or she has been in several near-death experiences while on duty and hitting the bottle is their way to cope with the trauma. They once held the OCPD or OCS positions, but have been demoted due to drinking. Their bosses don’t push them too hard since the mlevi only has a few years to retirement. 

5 Mr Connections

He is related to a big man and he informs everyone. In most cases, it is either the sister who is the mistress to a honcho at the Interior ministry or his cousin is a bureaucrat at the office of the president. These type are always known to quip while drunk, “Akicheza na mimi, I can get this OCS transferred  in two hours.”

 

6 The Terror

Most have names like Ali, Omar or Abdi. This is basically a natural-born killer who wanted authority and legal reasons to hold a gun, shoot people and be a terrorist in uniform. He is the type sent to finish off Mungiki adherents. He will single-handedly kill all carjackers, petty thieves and rapists in estates. He assigns himself duties and executes them. His middle name is Extra Judicial Killing, but he is loved and praised by many for ridding the society of undesirable characters. If the law, courts and judges can’t deal with a criminal, Abdi will arrange a meeting between the mwizi sugu and God for afterlife judgement. 

7 Thugs in uniform

These are the bad apples within the police force. They hire out guns, handcuff and uniforms to thugs. They never take a case they cannot benefit from. They sell information to thugs and interfere with investigations reports. To balance their lives, karma has never given them peace. Their new wives leave them every few weeks, their kids quit school in class three, their houses get struck by lightning and they can’t sit and have a beer and choma in fear of being assassinated or poisoned by the hundreds of people they have double-crossed. 

8 Sharp shooters

These officers love sex. They have no taste or preferences when it comes to sexual partners, they are equal opportunity chewers and some are ‘raw abiding’ officers. No mahabusu is beyond their reach. If they had Sh100 left, they would rather sleep hungry but buy two packets of studded condoms than buy chapo dondo. 

9. Darling to many 

These officers are the best. They are emphatic. They follow the rules. They don’t ask for bribes and they are true to their calling, to serve and protect. They are loved by citizens and once in a while, they win awards from some UK based Human Rights organisation. 

10. Prof ‘Dr Dr Officer’

These are the highly educated officers but can’t rise beyond a certain point because they are too straight-laced to follow the tribal, nepotistic and bribery based promotion system. They have written books and hundreds of memos to police bosses on how to make the force more efficient but their thoughts gather dust in a cabinet at Vigilance House.