Why women stay in bad marriages

Keywords: marriages; womenWhy women stay in bad marriagesShe is often physically, emotionally and verbally abused by her husband, yet she chooses to hang in there. WANGECI KANYEKI looks into why a woman opts to remain in a marriage that is headed for disasterIt is common knowledge that divorce ratings have increased in our society. However, it is equally true that many women choose to hang on to their dear marriages despite the difficulties they face. It continues to be rather baffling why they choose to stay in such uncomfortable and unhealthy situations. Yet these women sacrificially hang on to their hopes, refusing to pass on a heritage of divorce to their children, some trapped by financial dependence while others are fearful of societal stigma. Women who perseverePam was only 22 years old when she got married to Frank. For the first five years, everything was going well as they pursued their studies in India. However, when they got children it became difficult for Pam to complete her studies due to the increased family demands. After Frank finished his studies, they returned to Kenya and he landed a good job. Pam says: “As his financial status improved, his character changed. He became abusive and would have a high temper and throw tantrums. He became possessive and would not allow me near another man, even my own brother.” If any man commented on how beautiful I was, he would say that I had acted in a provocative manner. I took the possessiveness to mean love but then the situation just got worse. From verbal and emotional abuse, the marriage turned violent and Frank started being absent from home pretending to be on business trips. Once a colleague told me that Frank was in town, yet he had failed to come home the previous night as ‘he was away on a trip’.” In retrospect, those nights out were symptoms of an extra-marital affair, which Pam never heeded. Irrespective of this, Pam stayed on hoping and waiting for her marriage to improve.”Despite physical, emotion and verbal abuse from her husband Frank for more than ten years, Pam chose to stay in her difficult marriage rather than walk out of her matrimonial home. But why do women choose to hang onto a marriage that is evidently doomed? Gertrude Mungai, counsellor on sex, intimacy and marriage:1. Lifestyle: Most women are accustomed to lavish life styles. Hence, “I’d rather cry in a Mercedes than be happy on a boda boda (motor bike).”2. Sexual dependancy: Some women get married as virgins and thus have a strong sexual bond with the man. Being the only man she has ever been with, everything sexual is tied to him. This makes a bond difficult to break so the woman sticks in the marriage because she can’t imagine another man touching her.3. Finances: Some women look for the easiest way out. They start from humble beginnings and agree to sacrifice their careers to become stay-home mums — while husbands advance on their career. When the man finally gets to be a CEO, she cannot level up to him. He then looks down upon her and abuses her. But she would rather stay in an abusive marriage as long as the man pays the bills.4. Religion: Certain churches cast out divorcees especially if one holds a leadership position in the church. Divorce becomes unacceptable no matter how abusive your marriage was.5. Afraid to start afresh: After many years of marriage, many women feel they are too old to start afresh even when a man brings in another woman; so they hang in there. They may have seen their mothers abused and treated bad, so they believe men are all mean and wonder why hop from one to another.6. His sexual prowess: Having gone through too many ‘skilless’ frogs before finding the prince who takes her to cloud nine, she is afraid she will never find another lover to match his skills.7. Fairy tale love: A woman loves with all her mind and soul so she sticks it out hoping it’s a storm that will pass. She maintains a fairy tale illusion of a happily ever after. She lives in the hope that the curse will soon be lifted and the prince will return into her arms. Victoria Wambua,Legal Advisor, Creaw Violence in marriageWhen violence occurs in marriage, a lot of women develop the ‘battered woman syndrome’. This is a vicious cycle where the battered woman is angry about the marital situation and wants to seek justice and help. She may even run away from her marital home. However, the man apologises, sweet-talks her and promises to change. The woman forgives him and gives him a second chance and returns home. There is a ‘rosy package’ for a while after forgiveness, only for the cycle starts all over again. The ‘rosy package’ gives women a perpetual hope that their husbands will change. They also stay on for marital status and identity in the society and for economic support. In any case, their religious and cultural socialisation will not approve of them leaving and they are threatened and scared of the consequences. So they persevere in the hope that their children will grow up in a complete family set up.Pastor Sophie Mbevi- HOD marriage and parentingMavuno Church1. Children: While I am a firm believer in the marriage institution, many women misguidedly think they have to stay in an unhealthy relationship because of the children. While it is true that children are better off growing up with both parents, this may not be the case in an abusive relationship. Children are negatively affected when exposed to a loveless, tense and angry environment. The minors may feel the impact of separation more intensely because they have not built up the level of emotional and psychological defenses that we have. However, they also tend to be more resilient than adults and will recover faster from unhealthy situations. 2. Lack of a clear sense of purpose: A lot of women are defined by their marital status. These women probably got married for the wrong reason such as, to gain significance and fulfillment, to cure the loneliness, to find someone on whom their happiness is pegged or to cure their brokenness. 3. Ignorance/helplessness: Many women are simply not aware that they do not have to take the abuse. Most in this category grew up in abusive homes where they saw their own mothers putting up with similar circumstances. For them this is the lot for women and they simply accept it.

Why women stay in bad marriages

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