Rise of free carpenters and staple avocado

Sue is settling in nicely as head of the village but her deputy just won’t steer clear of controversy.

Only last week, she said that Harold left just a shilling in Gitegi’s public coffers and that closer scrutiny showed that the one shilling was also borrowed, most probably from Sue herself.

This was a lie, I knew, because last I checked, Harold had left nothing in the coffers, stealing every last coin even from the tithe box until he had to scrounge free alcohol from Sue.

Clarissa, the deputy, said that the promises they made during the elections would, thus, not be honoured.

It was an unnecessary statement to make since here in the village, no one cares if promises are kept. No one, actually, even listens to them in the first place.

Clarissa also said that people would be allowed to enjoy their drinks in the church, which is also the village social hall. This used to happen in the past until it was discovered that drunk people caused chaos in the same place other deluded villagers came to seek peace.

Also, some of the church property was destroyed and some of the most expensive gadgets looted, including the main door which vanished in broad daylight.

There was protestation, and also excitement when Clarissa made the announcement. Those who were riled by her pronouncements made it clear to local media that they would not allow drunkards to do their things in the church.

“When you come to church drunk or are drinking there, it will get to a point where the spirit gets you most high and the spirit pushes you out, naturally. No one will tell you to leave,” he said. Attacked for it, she came back to say that she meant that one could come and get filled, and drunk, with the spirit, which was a good thing. She had been misquoted, she said.

She even hit out at those who insisted she had mentioned something about ghosting people she had made promises to, instead saying that she meant she would ensure people were seized by the Holy Ghost.

Clarissa went on to say that Gitegi was short of money to help it buy avocado from neighbouring villages, which might have been the reason one of the leaders of Kabati, a village South of Gitegi, made very worrying comments.

The leader, Mukohozi, who due to fear of being specific when speaking is called general, was overheard saying that he was going to take over the village and that it would take him just a day to topple over the brown house, Harold’s house, and the shopping centre, which now hosts the seat of power (Sue’s pub).

In a rather disturbing and supercilious fashion, Mukohozi, whose father has been the leader of Kabati since Harold was born (some say he has ruled the place since the big bhang, which is many years ago when bhang was discovered) said he was going to collapse the two villages into one, in effect ensuring that the staple food of Kabati, the avocado, became our staple.

As you might have known, my private research, funded by tithe payers money, showed that avocado is the forbidden fruit. Any effort to impose that on us is, thus, unwelcome. Not to also forget Kinuthia, a man of means, announced that he has always been a member of the free carpenters, an association of woodwork dealers that do not charge for their services.