How to help your child overcome low self-esteem

By James Gitau

People who suffer low self-esteem have a miserable life as they see themselves as inadequate and lacking. They try to fill the gap or emptiness in ways that are likely to be destructive to themselves and/ or society.

In the last two articles, we focused on the causes and symptoms of low self-esteem in children. In most cases, low self-esteem starts when we are still young.

Researchers say that by the time we are seven years, 95 per cent of our beliefs and, therefore, our behaviours have been formed. It is said that during the age of zero to seven years, the brain is like a sponge and takes in whatever comes to it without evaluating.

 The key influencers of children at this age are;

1. The house help and other care givers

2. Parents and older siblings

3. Teachers

4. Media

Previous articles indicated that 80 per cent of the people have low self-esteem. This basically means that it is highly likely that your child is being mentored by people with low self-esteem at this critical stage of their development and she is likely to pick it.

What to do if the damage has been done.

I have come across miserable parents who failed to pay enough attention to their children’s self-esteem issues. Here is what you can do.

1. Take note of what you and the caregivers say to your child.

Children are very sensitive to what those they consider superior to them say. Many caregivers, especially house helps use very disempowering language. “Hiyo hauwezi” — you can’t do that. “Hiyo ni sugu” meaning “that is hard”. Words like “wacha ama nitakuchapa” meaning “stop or I will beat you” — is considered as harmless normal language in many homes. This type of language can lead to the child feeling inadequate and incapable.

If your child gets a C in Math, she is probably more disappointed with herself than you are. So don’t criticise her or say, “Next time work harder.” Instead, recommend him for the effort. Say, “Well you didn’t get an A in math this time; however, I’m proud of the effort you made.”

2. Be the right role model to your child.

Children, especially those below seven years, soak in all they see and hear like a sponge takes in water. What you say about yourself and others is key in shaping your child’s future more so his self-esteem.

If you tend to be harshly negative about yourself, pessimistic, or unrealistic about your abilities and limitations, your child might eventually mirror you. Nurture your own self-esteem and your child will have a great role model. If you find that there are areas you experience low self-esteem, (and chances are 80 per cent you do) it is important you seek help.

3. Identify and help redirect inaccurate beliefs.

Beliefs shape our thought patterns, emotions, attitude, behaviour and ultimately the results we get in life. Think about it, everything you have ever achieved or failed to accomplish started with a belief. Many children pick up limiting beliefs from house helps, parents and other mentors.  It’s important for parents to identify the disempowering beliefs that your child may have, whether they’re about perfection, attractiveness, ability, or anything else. This can be done by being observant of the words your child uses like, “I can’t do math.” “I’m not good in math.” The tendency of most parents is to reprimand the child if she goes in that direction. Help her by asking, “Can you find a way of doing it?” Or “Can I show you how to do it?”

4. Create a safe environment.

Let your child know it is okay to make mistakes and/ or express her views as well as her feelings. Statements like, “You are always throwing a tantrum and fighting,” will make a child feel unsafe to express himself. A sentence like this would be more appropriate; “ I see you are upset about your sister breaking your pencil. Can you please take some time out then we can discuss the matter when every one is calmer?”  

It is also important not to expose the child to your problems such as fights with your spouse. A child who is exposed to parents who fight and argue repeatedly may feel they have no control over their environment and become helpless or depressed. He is likely to develop   low self-esteem.

5. Be over affectionate.

Your unconditional love will help boost your child’s self-esteem. Give hugs spontaneously — for no reasons- and tell your child you’re proud of him when you see him putting effort towards something or trying something he previously failed.

Text or leave love notes in your child’s lunchbox with messages like “I think you’re awesome.” Children like everyone else respond to love and you will be pleasantly surprised by the positive change you see in your child.

6. Seek Professional Help

If you suspect your child has a low self-esteem, consider getting professional help.

A professional coach or child therapist can help you and your child deal with this.

The writer is the Founder of Peak Performance International. A human potential development firm. Email your comments to: [email protected]