City Hall has a job to kill for

By Ted Malanda

Last week, City Hall placed an advertisement that probably went unnoticed by many people. They are seeking a tender for someone to place cameras all over the place and link them to a central computer at City Hall.

I know they have been having a bit of trouble with internal crooks manufacturing fake business permits and selling them to suspecting and unsuspecting businessmen. But that is not to suggest that whoever wins this tender will be allowed to supply phoney cameras, dodgy cables and moribund monitors so that when council askaris want to spy on Nairobians, the gadgets croak ‘mteja unayetaka kuwachunguza hapatikani kwa sasa’.

chief monitor

Knowing, therefore, that the early bird catches the worm, I am hereby formally applying for the position of chief monitor of City Hall cameras.

As a man who makes a living by cracking stale jokes, this new job will rejuvenate my career immensely. In fact, I will do it for free.

Can you imagine the pleasure of watching the shenanigans Nairobi residents get up to? There is the guy walking into a lamppost because his eyes, far from seeing where he is going, are glued on the ample posterior of the woman in front of him.

There is this one window shopping leisurely, only breaking his tourist ventures by mining his nostrils, scratching here and there and stopping suddenly for no reason and throwing the entire street walking behind him in typical city haste into total disarray.

And what can beat watching a watchman witness a crime at the next shop and later denying any knowledge of it, mumbling, as the late Whispers would have said, " "?

sheer drama

But for sheer drama, nothing would beat watching council askaris pouncing on a guy who has double-parked on a city street. The camera would pick one menacing askari get into the passenger seat and order the driver to head to the station.

The two would be caught haggling over something, whereupon the man in the passenger seat would whip out his wallet and remove a wrinkled note. At the next roundabout, the two, now intimate friends, would wish each other a fantastic day and bid each other farewell.

I want this job; I want it bad. Do you know someone I can talk to at City Hall?