Here’s a country gone to the dogs

By Ted Malanda

Something is wrong. The gods, working in cahoots with a few do-gooders, are turning this once proud, chest-thumping republic into a den of mousy, little whiners.

Take this Mau Forest saga, for instance. It used to be that a man, an African man, was measured by his ability to grab a chunk of virgin forestland, hew down the trees, replace them with starchy crops and hunt squirrels and giant forest hogs for dinner.

Now trees must be left intact for aesthetic purposes or to make rain as some fools have been saying. Yet when former Health minister Paul Sang reminded them that rain comes from the sky, not forests, they were shamed into silence.

Look, mzungus can afford to hug trees because they are too lazy to till the land. In any case, all their food comes from the laboratory. For us, to whom food means maize, leaving entire forests idle borders on indolence and criminal negligence.

But that’s not the only reason I’m sick of this place. If you ask me, John Michuki has gone too far this time. First, the old man attempted to turn our world famous matatu industry into a church ministry. Who needs a tortoise-paced matatu without loud music, graffiti and pornographic movies?

And why did he imagine that children would aspire to be matatu touts if the job demanded that they wear clean uniform, brush their teeth and shower every morning? Thankfully, someone realised Michuki was messing up with a national totem icon and booted him out of the ministry.

Draconian laws

But while he was expected to cool his heels at the moribund environment ministry, the old man somehow took it upon himself to clean up Nairobi River. In one swoop, Michuki has recklessly rendered jobless street urchins, muggers and thousands of citizens whose only employment was flinging dirt and aborted foetuses into Nairobi River.

You would expect the man to stop there but wapi! Now, he doesn’t want us to make noise. I mean, just why did Mau Mau veterans spend years enduring the cold in the Aberdare forest if a man can’t have the freedom to yell at the bus stop?

I am appalled that religious leaders who are members of Parliament have not come out guns blazing to oppose this draconian law. How else would Mosques summon faithful to morning prayers without loudspeakers? Hasn’t it occurred to anyone that this country will degenerate into Sodom and Gomorrah if evangelical pastors are not allowed to loudly harangue sinners along footpaths?

Mercifully, at least someone saw it fit to boot that menace John Gakuo out of City Hall. He made it illegal for men to irrigate flowerbeds and wash murky walls yet we all know the City Hall is facing a severe water shortage.

The democratic space in Kenya has become so stifled that some citizens are dying (pun intended) to fight for Somalia. How is anyone expected to feel proud when they can’t clear their throats and spit on the sidewalk in their own country?