My mother is an alcoholic

By Nyambura Maina

I am 17 and about to complete high school. I can’t wait! My worry is that my younger sister and brother will not be able to handle being alone with mum when I go to college. She throws things and is verbally abusive when she gets drunk. She ends up sleeping on the sitting room floor and soiling herself. It is embarrassing to bring friends over. It is even worse when the house help has to clean up the mess. What can I do to stop her from drinking and to protect my siblings?

Jacinta, N.

Alcoholism is an illness whereby a person progressively becomes dependent on alcohol. Those living with an alcoholic find that they ultimately develop ways of adjusting and coping that are just as destructive and unhealthy as the alcoholic’s addiction. This is known as co-dependency and affects children growing up with an alcoholic parent.

Such children have to look for ways that will ensure their survival and self-preservation in such a hostile environment.

Alcoholics are known for their inconsistent behaviour and mood swings. They often make promises that they cannot keep.

They can be jolly while under the influence and irritable and abusive when suffering from withdrawal. A child therefore learns that it is in his best interest not to agitate a parent who drinks excessively.

A child also learns that he or she cannot depend on an alcoholic parent because he or she will be disappointed again and again. In addition, the social skills of a child are affected adversely by a parent’s drinking in that having friends over becomes a rarity. It is embarrassing for a child to have friends over when the parent(s) are in a drunken stupor.

The unpredictable behaviour of an alcoholic parent makes it difficult for children to develop and nurture friendships with others. More often than not, a child becomes withdrawn, is unable to trust, is constantly anxious and fearful and carries a lot of guilt and shame.

At 17, it is unlikely that you have been able to engage in the activities that other teenagers do. Instead, you have taken up the responsibility of parenting your younger siblings. You may also have had to parent your own mother when she is unable to handle her duties. Finishing high school will mean that you are one step closer to your own independence. This will provide you with an opportunity to leave all the madness behind. However, you worry about your younger siblings’ welfare when you are gone.

Nothing you do will make your mother stop drinking. She has to come to that decision on her own. What is important is for you not to blame yourself or your siblings or your mother’s drinking.

Alcoholism affects all members in the family and it is unfortunate that you have had to grow up in such a poisonous environment. Find a responsible adult (a relative or a teacher) that you can confide in and ask for help. In addition, get informed about alcoholism and its effects on the family from the following websites: www.al-anon.alateen.org, www.nacada.go.ke and www.aa-kenya.org. Information is power and knowing that there are others who have suffered the same and been able to come out of it will bring some sense of relief and renewed hope as you plan for your future.

Common counsel

Show love and concern

Jacinta, you have two concerns — stopping your mother from drinking and protecting your siblings. You need to cultivate a relationship with your mother. Show her love and concern and let her know that you dislike her behaviour as it hurts the family. Involve an adult in counselling her. You need also to pray for her and let her know that she is not supposed to provoke her children to anger or wrath through her behaviour but rather she should train you and bring you up in the ways of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).

Maurice Alwika

Empathise with her

Concentrate on your studies so that you will be successful in life. That way you will be able to save your younger sister and brother. Your mother is doing the best she can to raise you despite her flaws. Since you never mentioned your father it is safe to assume that he is not involved in your lives and your mother has to carry the burden on her own. When you are older you will understand that it is not easy being a single mum. Rather than despise you mother for drinking too much, make the best out of life and bring pride to your family.

Angelina, 41

Work towards independence

It is difficult growing up in a home with alcoholics. My father was brutally violent with us when we were growing up. He would beat us up if we made too much noise on Sunday morning when he was home resting. It became so bad that we would wish he were never home. That way we would have peace and be able to play. But my mother used to complain that my father was not around enough and get miserable. All I can say to you is that things will get better when you move out and make a life of your own.

Kasyoka, M.

Seek help

Call an aunt that can help you. It is important that you concentrate on reading and that is difficult to do when your mother abuses you and throws objects when she is drunk. Tell your aunt that you and your siblings are not safe at home and need a place to stay. If that is not possible, become a boarder at school and insist on the same for your brother and sister. That way, you can study and the time you spend at home will be limited.

Shanelle, 19

Attend AA meetings

Encourage your mother to go for AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings. She knows that her parenting skills leave a lot to be desired but she cannot bring herself to stop drinking. If she attends these meetings she will realise how harmful her drinking is and understand the impact it has on her children.

Yuna Jumba

Stop enabling

Alcoholics have a hard time accepting that they have an addiction to alcohol. They live in denial for the most part so don’t expect that your efforts to get her to quit will bear any fruit. Stop cleaning up after her and covering up her mistakes. This will only enable her to drink more. She is sick and needs treatment. Find out which rehab centres are near you and enquire whether they can help you.

David, K.